From "The Problem of Pain"

"All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of your consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever."

- C. S. Lewis

Blast from the Past

Looking back at these entries (spanning from the beginning of 2nd term exams in 1st year, to the the middle of first term of 2nd year, in reverse chronological order, under the label "The Old Me"), I was a pretty dumb kid. You know that saying, "some things will never change", that's what I'm feeling right now.....

Wow, that was 5 years ago.....

11:45 PM 11/2/2003

haha, this house IS horrible........the lifestyles are so different that i really can't stay here next year......like right now jo's music is cranked, itz almost 12.......and even if i sit here silent for 3 hours, she won't turn it down.....i mean i really should just ask for her to turn it down, but how many times do i have to do it before they figure out that i sleep early......just no courtesy there or a bit of consideration at all, i'm obviously not helping by getting a tad annoying and edgy, but even if she turns it down, the bass still comes shining through, and her singing, yeesh, now i know why people don't like me singin by myself, cuz hitting the notes just doesn't cut it, she hits them, but sound SO nasty.....not soothing at all......sorry to vent like this, but i'm just really annoyed at these guys, my performance isn't anywhere near 100% while i'm here, and i definitly don't want to rish next year to these guys. Now i don't even have the mood to talk about this morning. It was interesting though, i did feel a little uncomfortable goin by myself, but it felt better once i got there and worship got goin. When Amanda. that who the lady's name was, told me that she heard you say don't worry.....i don't really know what i felt.....just surprised for one, looked into myself to see if it applied, and heck it did.....been doin A LOT of worrying this last week, just so much goin on, just so happens the hardest one is last, so i'm just goin to wait on you, cuz i'm goin to try doin a lot of work (although i am slacking a bit), but w/o you i'm just nothing, all the skills smartness or whatnot that people or i think i have, it's yours, i just work with what you give me, and it turns out you've really blessed me a lot. So all i can say is i'll try hard tommoro, and come tuesday morning, i'm just gonna to see how your plan goes. Just so thankful for you to say those words to me....kinda the first time you've ever spoken to me, and it was pretty darn clear this time........"don't worry so much"......wow, so much easier said than done, but now it's you saying it, so i'm goin to believe you (which is generally a wise thing to do i think). Just really gotta lift up my unrest with my housemates to you.....i don't know what to do, other than just to pray, that i can be honorable to you in my behaviour, that i'm not goin to go crazy, and that they'd just be a little more considerate to me, cuz i don't think i'm not being considerate to them.......just need your strength lord, to get through this testing year, i'm almost sure i'm not goin to stay, but i'm praying now for a place for me to go, i can think of a few places, but i really do need an environment not only where i can do well in school, but a place that nurtures my relationship with you, and this place is not it......i dunno what i can do about it, or myabe just that i'm being way over judgemental, but i just can't feel all that much of you in them. Doesn't seem like they live out you cept on fridays and sundays, not that i do either, but yeah, nevermind, i have no right to talk, i'm not christian during the week either, i'm not passionate about you except when i'm in need, and for that i'm just so sorry lord.....just seems like this year has been all talk from me and nothing else.......i'm still not breaking out of that mold from the last years......dunno.....what do i do.....?.....helplift up this week lord.....may i just reflect you a little bit, just think about you more often, and a chance to witness by my actions what you mean to me

12:24 AM 10/25/2003

I'm just so tired now.....been a really long struggling kinda week......just came up dry.....looking at the day ahead i really don't know if i can make it, i feel like the goal is too high....so much pressure....i feel tehre's so much at stake..haven't reflected you at all lately...been really irritated about a bunch of things..just really sorry lord, that i couldn't even be a tiny little bit of you these past weeks, that i've neglected you, ignored you, disobey you, and just plain dishounored you...and yet you are still around, still helping, still saving me. The day got off to such a crap start, one of the last things on my mind was you. Walked out of the bio lab refreshed, and obviously it wasn't the lab that rejuiced me, it was you...even after all that you were still with me, pulling me a long, getting my spirit up to speed. Just need to be so thankful for you sticking with me, itz getting rough, my tiredness is starting to get me edgy....itz not so much i need to sleep or anthing, although that would be a much appreciated thing, but that i'm just exshasted and drained out. My strength really is gone.......i've always asked for your hand in everything....but in the end i always end up doin it my way, using my solutions, using my skills to try to climb out on top.....and it's failed miserably, keep telling myself everyday to work hard and get things done.....all i end up doin is watching the time fly by. I'm at the pointing of giving up on a lot of things.....it just doesn't seem to be picking up at the rate i'm use to....even CCF is now kinda becoming a burden, although i do admit these new relationships are really helping me through. I'm just really glad that you have put people at both end of the spectrum that care.....and it's probably a good thing that those 2 groups are separate. It's always kinda sad for me to look at my simple simple life.....and the fact that somehow i still fail.....but that's no surprise, i really can't do much without you. You have brought me here, pretty much every step, i just always end up doin what i do best and you always take care of everything else. Thank you, ust for a day that you've shown me you're around, i don't think this story really holds water to other people, but i know, cuz i felt it. So sorry i haven't told anyone about you, for all the things you've blessed me with in my life you'd figure that's the least i could do.....and i'm not exactly doin it by example either....dunno what to do.....i can't preach, much less debate....so i can't win in that category, even though i always seem to stray that way in any convesation.....bless me with listening skill.....to hear what people say, not just analyse it. Jus thanks for today....i'm still feeling kinda bad, but at least i'm feeling a bit better....amen

11:53 PM 10/8/2003

Lord, just thank you so much for this week. The 2 midterms were......not as crazy as i first thought they'd be. Well, i don't really know how i did, but at least i did them. Thanks for a great first month, it has been exceptionally smooth, from registration to now midterms. Thanks so much for the blessings. Hope things are still in one piece back home, if anything though, it would be better than before. Pray that you'll be with mom and dad on their vacation, that they'll have a relaxing time, and that it doesn't turn out to be one of those "yes i've been here" trips. Pray that you'll support the commitee in CCF, i haven't had the best attitude lately, always looking out for just me. I keep feeling that they're not looking out for me at all, that they're there just to serve their own purpose. Whether that's true or not shouldn't matter as to how i do my work as admin. I'll just try my best to get what's needed to do done. That's the way i always approach things, and i pray that you can grant me what it takes to do just that. Pray for each commitee memeber, we have a lot of work to do, and it seems like we haven't really quite gotten a handle on how to deal with this much bigger group......although the fellowship as a group really hasn't had all that meetings together yet. But the feeling is different from last year, i don't know whether itz me or itz the fellowship being bigger, or having different people. But it just doesn't feel as homey anymore. Probably because there are so many people that just don't interact with eachother. Crap.....cliques.....that's what's starting to happen, people who only interact with certain other people exclusively. Grant me strength that i can do soemthing about that.....i don't know what i can do....just lift up CCF to you. Lift up this weekend, just that i can find time to touch base with friends, and deal with assignments and midterms.....get a haircut and get flu shot and get teeth cleaning......pretty packed weekend. I hope i have time to do it all. Pray for eric.....dunno what he's up to nowadays, but i pray that he just doesn't talk about you anything, and get around to actually rep-ing that by actions. Cuz so far only thing he has that resembles you is maybe goin to church and hanging out with church friends (i can't even say christian friends), let's hope there's a side to him i haven't seen that reflects you, but so far i haven't seen that at all. Lift up pheebs, dunno what's up with her, but she needs you, ALOT, just to feel you again. Lift up my friends to you, that they can all, whether they know you or not, come to be refreshed in you. Many burdens on my heart lord, so many expectations, so many goals that i don't know if i can achieve. I just feel really tired lord......i need you strength, and i pray i can get some of it this weekend. In you name, Amen

12:37 AM 10/6/2003

Bio test has come and gone, rather simple it was......probably studied a little too much for it. Just need to rejoice before now to say that i have conquereed (at least i think i did well) a subject that sometime ago i sworn i'd never touch again. Thank you for you strength and you wisdom, and just a little bit of calm in me, eventhough towani was playing in my head the whole time. I don't really feel as ready for math though, or ready for this week for that matter, perhaps tommoro i'd just take a look at some of those questions, and refresh. I just continually need you help. Praise you for the turn out for EM, being the pessimistic me, i don't really know how many hearts were moved, but i know at least some are. And itz just great to have listening ears for your message as it came through different people. Thanks for the great CCF so far, even though i'm trying hard to keep up. It's really hard to have someone who knows everything still be on the commitee. On one hand, it is extremely helpful to have someone look over your work and make sure itz goin right. On the other hand, Jon also has his hands full with stuff too. It also makes is kinda hard to find my own groove in this position, i just end up in Jon's groove. Like that dual accounts thing, i have paid NEthing, so the totals in both accounts simply don't move.....so why have accounts? (perhaps for later, but for now, i'm just keeping track of things coming in, and receipts and such) gotta take care of other things too, pray that i'll have time this week before i leave for thanksgiving. Thanks for a great house, even though the showers aren't hot, and the place isn't clean, but itz been homey, and the distance hasn't been that much of trouble. Just thank you for you love in supporting me out here, by myself, and just allowing me to have such a loving family, and for them to be able to provide me with a chance to just concentrate on what i do best, and not worry about the bills or any other circumstance. Thanks you so much for that, that i have a shot at being everything i could be........i recgonize a lot of people don't get that. Eternally was a song i listened to a lot this week, and that's who you are, eternal in every way. I'm exactly the opposite, always temporal, in my love, in my obedience. Lord just help me to be your servant, to do your works, and to serve the communities i'm in, home or mac. Pray for my sister, and for you to continually guide her steps as she moves forward to another chapter in life, just as i have. I'm always goin to be praying for the first years, that they would find peace and grounding in you. That they would draw closer to you this year, as they need you more than ever before, as choices open up for them, pray that you can guide them to make the right ones. Lift up the midterms and labs this week lord.....it'll be busy this week........pray that you'll remind me to talk with you daily, to cast my troubles at you feet, and not be afraid to ask you for help. My marks are cuz of you, and i certainly hope i don't forget that. Amen.

11:44 PM 9/30/2003

Tried, gotta stop playing so much.....Bio is starting to fill my brain, this test could be easy or hard......i can't really tell cuz i've never taken bio.....so i leave it to you, i've worked pretty hard trying to get it all in.......as for math......i just haven't touched much of it at all, which is not good, but i have finished the assignment, so it works. Lift up EM this friday to you.....I haven't done much for me, but i know a lot of people have, so just be there friday, i kinda won't, at least not for a while due to Bio test, so i hope if Brian comes, he'll be taken care of. Eric matters less, cuz he's christian AND he knows people here. Too bad dorothy can't come, it would be nice for her to experience things here, get a better feel. Personally, i don't know which is a better nursing school........ Lift up Brian, hopefully he'll be here fri and he'll just get a chance to sense you, for you to reach into him. I pray for all the teams involved, drama, food, worship, speaker.....that they all be touched and used by you friday, as they all have a part to play. Most of all i pray for all the CCFer who will be attending, i pray that they recgonize that itz everyone's task to welcome people, that this EM isn't for them, but for non believers to get to know a little bit about you. I guess Kelvin is right, there isn't a point in bringin believers to EMs, that's just a waste of seats. The year is kinda progressing towards a checkpoint, after next tues, and when the marks roll in, i'll know whether i'm handling this year properly. Now that i remember, i really need to thank you for solving the OSAP sitution, well, not really solving in human terms, i was just uninformed, but for me it was solving the situation. So thanks so much for a little reassurance. Pray once again for Dorothy, she's capable of doing so many things, i just hope that nursing is your path for her, and that she would find the work fulfilling. Before all that though, she has to get into a good nursing school first, and i leave that up to you. I continue and continually lift up CCF, lotsa new people, and some have already start to leave, I just wished i had more time, and less timidity, to be smileing on campus, to be welcoming everywhere i go, not just fridays. And i pray for that strength lord, to overcome my own restraints and reservations. I share a lot in common with a lot of the first years, both in science and engineering, and i pray that it can serve as a common ground for me to bond with them. Pray for MCG, still dunno what to do, i should start looking, but i pray that you would enlighten me and Jon as the how you want this path to go. I lift up the Bio tests, the EM, and just leave everything i care for in your hands. Amen