11:45 PM 11/2/2003

haha, this house IS horrible........the lifestyles are so different that i really can't stay here next year......like right now jo's music is cranked, itz almost 12.......and even if i sit here silent for 3 hours, she won't turn it down.....i mean i really should just ask for her to turn it down, but how many times do i have to do it before they figure out that i sleep early......just no courtesy there or a bit of consideration at all, i'm obviously not helping by getting a tad annoying and edgy, but even if she turns it down, the bass still comes shining through, and her singing, yeesh, now i know why people don't like me singin by myself, cuz hitting the notes just doesn't cut it, she hits them, but sound SO nasty.....not soothing at all......sorry to vent like this, but i'm just really annoyed at these guys, my performance isn't anywhere near 100% while i'm here, and i definitly don't want to rish next year to these guys. Now i don't even have the mood to talk about this morning. It was interesting though, i did feel a little uncomfortable goin by myself, but it felt better once i got there and worship got goin. When Amanda. that who the lady's name was, told me that she heard you say don't worry.....i don't really know what i felt.....just surprised for one, looked into myself to see if it applied, and heck it did.....been doin A LOT of worrying this last week, just so much goin on, just so happens the hardest one is last, so i'm just goin to wait on you, cuz i'm goin to try doin a lot of work (although i am slacking a bit), but w/o you i'm just nothing, all the skills smartness or whatnot that people or i think i have, it's yours, i just work with what you give me, and it turns out you've really blessed me a lot. So all i can say is i'll try hard tommoro, and come tuesday morning, i'm just gonna to see how your plan goes. Just so thankful for you to say those words to me....kinda the first time you've ever spoken to me, and it was pretty darn clear this time........"don't worry so much"......wow, so much easier said than done, but now it's you saying it, so i'm goin to believe you (which is generally a wise thing to do i think). Just really gotta lift up my unrest with my housemates to you.....i don't know what to do, other than just to pray, that i can be honorable to you in my behaviour, that i'm not goin to go crazy, and that they'd just be a little more considerate to me, cuz i don't think i'm not being considerate to them.......just need your strength lord, to get through this testing year, i'm almost sure i'm not goin to stay, but i'm praying now for a place for me to go, i can think of a few places, but i really do need an environment not only where i can do well in school, but a place that nurtures my relationship with you, and this place is not it......i dunno what i can do about it, or myabe just that i'm being way over judgemental, but i just can't feel all that much of you in them. Doesn't seem like they live out you cept on fridays and sundays, not that i do either, but yeah, nevermind, i have no right to talk, i'm not christian during the week either, i'm not passionate about you except when i'm in need, and for that i'm just so sorry lord.....just seems like this year has been all talk from me and nothing else.......i'm still not breaking out of that mold from the last years......dunno.....what do i do.....?.....helplift up this week lord.....may i just reflect you a little bit, just think about you more often, and a chance to witness by my actions what you mean to me