12:24 AM 10/25/2003

I'm just so tired now.....been a really long struggling kinda week......just came up dry.....looking at the day ahead i really don't know if i can make it, i feel like the goal is too high....so much pressure....i feel tehre's so much at stake..haven't reflected you at all lately...been really irritated about a bunch of things..just really sorry lord, that i couldn't even be a tiny little bit of you these past weeks, that i've neglected you, ignored you, disobey you, and just plain dishounored you...and yet you are still around, still helping, still saving me. The day got off to such a crap start, one of the last things on my mind was you. Walked out of the bio lab refreshed, and obviously it wasn't the lab that rejuiced me, it was you...even after all that you were still with me, pulling me a long, getting my spirit up to speed. Just need to be so thankful for you sticking with me, itz getting rough, my tiredness is starting to get me edgy....itz not so much i need to sleep or anthing, although that would be a much appreciated thing, but that i'm just exshasted and drained out. My strength really is gone.......i've always asked for your hand in everything....but in the end i always end up doin it my way, using my solutions, using my skills to try to climb out on top.....and it's failed miserably, keep telling myself everyday to work hard and get things done.....all i end up doin is watching the time fly by. I'm at the pointing of giving up on a lot of things.....it just doesn't seem to be picking up at the rate i'm use to....even CCF is now kinda becoming a burden, although i do admit these new relationships are really helping me through. I'm just really glad that you have put people at both end of the spectrum that care.....and it's probably a good thing that those 2 groups are separate. It's always kinda sad for me to look at my simple simple life.....and the fact that somehow i still fail.....but that's no surprise, i really can't do much without you. You have brought me here, pretty much every step, i just always end up doin what i do best and you always take care of everything else. Thank you, ust for a day that you've shown me you're around, i don't think this story really holds water to other people, but i know, cuz i felt it. So sorry i haven't told anyone about you, for all the things you've blessed me with in my life you'd figure that's the least i could do.....and i'm not exactly doin it by example either....dunno what to do.....i can't preach, much less debate....so i can't win in that category, even though i always seem to stray that way in any convesation.....bless me with listening skill.....to hear what people say, not just analyse it. Jus thanks for today....i'm still feeling kinda bad, but at least i'm feeling a bit better....amen