Thing(s) to look for in a Girl

The previous idea about contentment and abundance applies for what guys should look for in girls too. Though there are two specific signs I do warn guys about: insecurity and unforgiveness.

Let us talk about unforgiveness first because it is simpler. Simply put, regardless of how highly she thinks of you right now, if she easily developes and harbours grudges after being slighted, or made fun of, or put down, she will eventually just as easily hold grudges against you, and who wants that? I am not saying that you need to find someone who does not get angry, everyone this side of heaven has their limits, but you can obviously tell when someone gets angry, then deals with it and dissipates it after a short while, even if they might want to hold their distance after being hurt (which is natural, for a time), versus someone who maliciously gossips and shows contempt and is out to get someone continually after she has been slighted by them (nevermind just girls, I have struggled with this one before).

One of the first things I tell guys to look for is whether the girl has begun to recgonize her own insecurity and self-worth issues. Almost all girls (in all my years there have been few exceptions) wrestle with those issues to some extent. Even the really ambitious, bubbly, or out-going types might be doing so to find their security and worth in their achievements or public image or social status, rather than the love and the promises of her heavenly Father. As a guy, you do not want to be the answer to those issues, as much as being the knight in shining armour might feel noble and heroic for a while (as a dear brother once warned me before dating, don't be a hero. It would have saved me a lot of grief if I had listened).

Not that you need to look for someone who has completely conquered them, but you do want to look for a girl that has begun to address those issues with God and with her sisters (some girls will attempt to address issues with ambiguous brother/boyfriend-ish relationships. Bad idea, for reasons I cannot even begin to list here). Because if she does not recognize she has these issues, that God needs to heal them, and that she needs to share in that journey with her sisters, it is almost 100% guaranteed that conciously or subconciously she will expect you to deal with it all. Not only are us guys inadaquate for that (as much as we may aspire to be, we will never be her heavenly Father), but you cannot even begin to try because she either does not see those issues as a source of her relational conflict and hurt, or worse, she will pin the source of those hurts to your lack of love (which is of course always true, because she is expecting the full love of the Father from you. Good luck with that).

A good sign that a girl has at least begun dealing with her insecurity and self-worth issues is whether they take themselves too seriously. Can they laugh at themselves? How do they handle being embarassed? Can they play along and be teased publically (though note, I am not talking about being a doormat. That is just as big a red flag) without being angry or hurt? Do they share and allow themselves to be in situations of weakness? (the "I'm trying and really struggling/failing" type of weakness, not the woeful "I'm a girl I can't do anything but wait for a husband" type. Stay far far away from that one, there is only one name who can be her saviour).

Another thing some people really love to focus on is this idea of submission, but just like the idea of producing for the guys, a girl that follows you and believes your every word (what a lot of young Christian guys foolishly embrace as submission) tells you nothing about where she is with God. You have no idea if she actually submits to God, only that she needs a proxy to God and for now has found you for that role (refer to my previous point about feeling noble and heroic). So actually what it does tell you is that she probably has a poor connection with her Father. Besides, if your spouse is simply going to blindly obey you, you are sunk, because when the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit. As much as we would like to pridefully think otherwise, us guys are blind more often than we would like.

Up next is a short piece how to look for the signs in the previous posts (hint: to quote a TV show, people lie).

Thing(s) to look for in a Guy

Lately I have been talking to God about what makes a guy ready for a marriage, since I am well on my way to being married and relationships being one of the most prominent topics for young Christians on campus besides "calling" (which often gets mistaken as career, but I will I will tackle that one another day).

I have been watching young Christians get into good and bad relationships for nearly a decade and a half now, myself included on both ends. Of course there are many many books and speakers with multiple 3 point sermons on what to look for in a guy, but as I reflect on what I have observed in good relationships this past decade, it all boils down to to a surprising single attribute.

It is definitely not career or education or money, or even scriptural knowledge or ministry serving or spiritual maturity (which tends to be defined nowadays as knowledge anyways). A good sign that a guy is ready for a relationship that aims for marriage (relationships for other reasons simply should not happen) is when he is giving out of his abundance from the Lord.

Note carefully my stress on abundance; I am not talking about just giving here. Giving can stem from many motivations. Some out of obligation (because he has been taught/guilted/scared into giving away his resources, time, energy), some are really giving in exchange (I have this and this and this asset to offer in exchange for someone to address my lack of companionship), but a guy who is ready for marriage is someone who is giving out of his abundance from the Lord; who is giving his life away because he recognizes and experiences that, regardless of his circumstances, God has blessed him abundantly, and he is eager to share all that he has knowing that God will be walking with him and His goodness will continue.

I know Driscoll has done this video where he says guys should be producers rather than consumers, but I think that wording has the weakness that it really says nothing about the guy's relationship with God. We do not produce the fruit, it ultimately comes from the vine, so a guy has to learn to receive from God himself (rather than through human proxies), and be in the relationship to give cheerfully out of the abundance that he receives; to give not out of obligation or exchange, but out of contentment, generosity and joy.

Often girls fall for someone who sounds zealous spiritually. He says things like “I want to grow”, “I want to learn”, “I want to be discipled”, "I want to lead" (this last one is sneaky, read on). Sounds like all the right things, but upon further inspection all of their desires are still just me me me me me; they are still just hungry consumers. Him approaching you for a relationship might really just be him trying to be feel more complete, trying to take that next perceived step in his climb on the public maturity ladder, trying to progress by grabbing the next piece of life. Worse, he is actually never going to be satisfied with you for that because completeness and contentment can only come from God, and it is likely he has never learned to receive from Him if he is still going around striving to add pieces to his life.

I am not at all promoting that silly idea that when you do not care about having a companion, that is when God will give you one, as if God insists on torturing us into submission. What I am saying though, is that readiness (and in a way real maturity) is about contentment, about receiving peace and passionately submitting to what God wishes to do with us today, even while eagerly awaiting a spouse, a career, a calling, etc.

If we are to eventually love our spouses as if they are part of us, as if we are one flesh, then you have to be able to love yourself, be at peace, eagerly pursuing God in who you are and where you are right now, while joyously looking forward to the future. Fine line to tread, but one of the ways you can tell that is simply by who is whining and complaining about their current lack and obsessing over their future plans, and who is just pursuing every day passionately and joyfully while still enthusiastically speaking of and praying for the future.

"Thing(s) to look for in a Girl" is coming next week. Girls who are nodding hard at this piece better not kill me for the next one :P