From "In the Grip of Grace"

"From heaven's perspective, grace is enough. If God did nothing more than save us from hell, could anyone complain? If God saved our souls and then left us to spend our lives leprosy-struck on a deserted island, would he be unjust? Having been given eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body? Having been given heavenly riches, dare we bemoan earthly poverty?"

-Max Lucado

From "In the Grip of Grace"

"God welcomes us to his table by virtue of his love and our request. It is not our offerings that grant us a place at the feast; indeed, anything we bring appears puny at his table. Our admission of hunger is the only demand, for 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.' Matt. 5:6"

-Max Lucado

Not About Me

My name is Ken, I'm a second year engineering master's student here at Mac. I've been on this campus for 6 years now, so yes, I'm pretty old. I'm really thankful though, to God for these last 6 years, and even more thankful to have this opportunity to share with you guys the things He's been doing in my life, especially this last year and some.

I guess I should start with a little background info about myself and where I came from. My family and I immigrated to Canada from Hong Kong when I was 9, and during that time my father began searching for his meaning in life. He would stop and chat with every stranger that would knock on our apartment door, and at the end of it all, he found Christianity the only religion worth pursuing. Long story short, he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour shortly after starting a new job where the office was full of Christians. My father was the type that is usually right about his decisions, so my family followed him to church. So you could say that I pretty much grew up at church; a church kid if you will, but that didn't really mean I was a Christian. To me then, up till the end of high school even, I never had a real personal relationship with God. Church back then was just a place I went to meet friends, and God to me was just a being, far off in the distance, that I knew lots of things about, but never really connected with.

The summer before I entered university here God pretty much set out to make Himself a reality in my life. My mother during that time has been hearing voices on and off for about a year. After a particularly severe episode, she was admitted to the psychiatric ward at a nearby hospital, and was diagnosed with depression with psychosis. It was a hard time for my family, even just visiting her was difficult, and I remember just screaming at God during that time, angry that life isn't going my way, even though I've been at church for so long. As the weeks rolled by, that anger turned to despair, and for the first time ever, I prayed to God, and finally understood that there really was someone on the other side of the line. Someone who cared. My mother was discharged from the hospital about 4 months later, and God has now completely healed her.

That's pretty much how I got to know Jesus. And you'd think I'd enter university with some new found reverence for God, but no. Now that I knew that I could ask things of God, and He'd answer in my favour, I was out to get him to make my life the way I wanted it to be. Asking him to bless my schooling, bless my finances, bless my relationships. And I'd try to pay him back by working for him, leading Christian clubs, fulfilling my duty to pray, to read the bible, and to go to church. During those years in undergrad, that little bit of a connection I had with God that one summer quickly faded away, as I treated Him like a vending machine. To make matters even worse, my academic success had given me a hugely conceited heart, which would have been less disastrous if that had stayed within the realm of academics, but it soon spilled over into my spiritual life. To call me judgmental would've been an understatement; I was fully using my good way with words maliciously as I sought relief from my own spiritual inadequacies by exposing the faults of others.

And that brings us to Westside. I started coming here when it first started in September of last year, and honestly I came just because it started at 4:30pm, which meant I was actually awake. The moment I walked in though, I just felt something was really different here. As I observed the leaders at the time, the way they lived their lives, surrendering everything they had to God, I thought they were crazy. The way they served one another, the way they encouraged one another, the way they loved each other. Those things I had only read about in the bible, but now in this church I'm seeing them in real life. As I started to serve here on the tech team, started going to the weekly bible studies, and really got to see God in these people as we did life together, I just wanted to know how people could have such wonderful hearts, and how I could have that too. I realized that being Christian is not about rules and duty and do's and don'ts, it's about loving people the way that God loves people. And that's what the people here did week in week out, with joy and gladness. So I tried my best to follow suit, to not much avail as love and conceit really don't go well together. I remember just striving and striving to be more loving, flattering people, pretty much just pretending to love people, even though inside I didn't love them at all, and I was exhausted just trying and trying. It was so straining, to change who I was, out of my own ability, thinking that was what God expected and demanded of me. After a relationship fell apart last summer, I remember sitting there, alone in the house that day, and just saying to God, "God, I don't know what to do anymore. I know you want me to love, sincerely, humbly, but this is just plain impossible for me. I've tried and tried, and I just can't. What more can I do?"

And God's answer was immediate, "Ask me for those things." He said.

And that's what I prayed, day after day, up to this very morning. It was a huge revelation, that moment when I realized I can't do it on my own, and He never expected me to. The bible studies suddenly became much more than head knowledge, but life transforming, heart changing experiences. Serving and leading things at church was no longer an accomplishment or a chore, but joyous occasions to be used by God. That's not to say I'm the worlds most loving, or most humble, person, I still have some ways to go, but I've said the words "I love you" to the guys in my small group more times than I've said that to my parents during all of high school, and I really do mean it, those guys know that I love them probably more than I lead them. I've begun to encourage people, not because I'm making things up to sound nice, but because I see in them the same strengths, the same potential, the same fingerprints of God, that God sees. And I smile now not because I need it plastered on my face all the time, but because I'm so happy that God is at work in my life and my heart, through the bible studies and small groups, through serving together with the people here at Westside, and that He's placed wonderful people around me to share that with me. I have confidence in what I do, whether at school or at church or anywhere, knowing fully that I longer needed to puff up myself to cover up my inadequacies and insecurities, but that whatever good God wants of me, indeed whatever good I want of myself, I need only to be willing to receive that from Him. That's been real freedom, freed from my own prison of self reliance and self righteousness, neither of which I did very well to begin with anyways. Now free to finally enjoy the gifts that God wants, and is willing to give to me in my life with Him.

Everything comes from God, if only you'd ask. The question that was laid before me, the same question that's laid in front you today, is will you ask God to come into your life, to be all the good things that you wished you were, to be all the good things that you wished you could have? I answered yes, and no it hasn't been easy, but I don't regret a single moment. You won't either.

Lovin' you, it's easy cause you're...

When I think about Christmas, well, the thing that I'm most reminded of are gifts. When I was young, I honestly thought Christmas was the most loving time of year because people gave each other so many gifts, gave ME so many gifts. But as I've grown more in God these last months, I've been learning to love, and I'll tell you it's way more than gifts; learning to love is hard. Of course it's easy when people smile back, when people love you back, when people appreciate you back, when people give you a pat on the back back. It's real easy then, to love. But when people make fun of you in return, ignore you in return, and some times out right abuse you in return, it's hard to love.

1 John 4:19 says

We love because he first loved us.

Isn't that what Christmas is about? We don't love because God told us to, because God commanded us, to love the undeserving, the outcast, the hard to love. We love others because WE are undeserving, WE are outcasts, WE are hard to love, and in spite of all of that, each of us here knows that Jesus gave up everything He had and came to this world for us. That's why we love people, simple out of our joy and our gratitude towards the one who loved us first, and our eagerness and enthusiasm to share that with the world; to shout on the rooftops that God was birthed in a horse stable to save US.

In the end, we have little love of our own. If we put aside some of the cute things we do for each other, how many of us have any real love? We're here this afternoon not to bless the world, as weird as that sounds; we unto ourselves have nothing to bless them WITH. We're just sharing the blessing that has been so abundantly poured out onto us by Christ. It is not about our mercy, our love, or our grace; whew thank goodness it's not about us, I'm not sure I have very much of any of those 3 things. It's about God's love, God's mercy, and God's grace.

I liked when Pastor Greg said he loves ON people. That makes love sound like something that's physical, tangible, that we pour onto other people, rather than some feeling that we need to create from our own hearts. The only reason I have any love to give at all is just because God loves me and gave Himself for me; that His supernatural love overflows in me. And his calling for us to love one another isn't that we need to do it ourselves; as if to love whoever walks through that door today till it kills us. He simply calls us to point our overflow at someone...overflow to that quiet guy who found our flyer lying on the ground somewhere, and just felt compelled to come, but is nervous to the point of shaking, surrounded by people he doesn't know...overflow to that girl in the 3rd row, whose friend had invited her to come, but that friend is now spending most of her time talking with her other friends...overflow to that person at the food table who was so excited by the gospel that he just spilled the entire pitcher of lemonade over ALL the food.

Close your eyes, as we prepare our hearts for prayer, think for a moment how God has loved you, how He gave up everything for you. He did it it regardless of how utterly retarded you've been, or how incredibly rebellious you'll become. Run through the faces of everyone you invited to Christmas service, run through the faces of those you wished you invited to Christmas service. How many of them do you think want to know that sort of unconditional love? How many of them do you think need that sort of love today? The expression of that love begins with us, don't let the love that God is always pouring into your life drip to the floor and go to waste. Won't you spend every drop on someone today? Let's ask God to prepare our hearts, that if we could be anything today, we'd be loving.

Heart of Worship

I felt kind of weird that Adrienne asked me to do this devo with you guys this morning. I said sure just cause I'm used to devos during prayer time on Saturdays. But then I quickly realized that this was for MAG retreat, so she probably wanted me to share on worship. 2 words popped into my mind then: UH OH. To be honest, I know absolutely NOTHING about music, I'm almost ashamed to say that since I was in 4 years of instrumental music in high school (flunked theory EVERY year). And I know even less about worship, simply because, prior to Westside, I've never done it much.

I've been really blessed though, in sharing this ministry with you guys; seeing this team grow, from like a team patched together from NY and sauga people, to now, a 14 person team that has 12 people from Hamilton. I honestly didn't know what to share with you guys today, so I decided to look at the lyrics to the song "Heart of Worship" for ideas. As I sit back these last couple of weeks, and really got a chance to be part of the worship, to enjoy it, I really felt God saying, there's so much more, or so much less, to worship than just the music.

The song says, "Longing just to bring something that's of worth, that will bless Your heart". Sometimes we make it sound like God needs our worship. Let's not kid ourselves, we have NOTHING worthwhile of God, nothing we do can bless him, nothing we have is good for Him. That's the amazing part, that worship, about the only thing we can think of to bring to God, is as much about him blessing us, as us blessing him. It isn't just about us bringing our praises to him, it's also very much about his love, his grace, his mercy, being brought to us. Worship is a 2 way thing, that as much as He loves our praise and thanksgiving, He also wants to talk to us during worship time, to work in us and through us during worship time. Let's not let our worship "sets" become exactly what that name betrays, SET; become so scripted, so laid out, that we miss the chance to hear him, to be led by him, and to watch him work during this time.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't prepare and just go do whatever you feel like, but you HAVE to be open to being led by the spirit during worship time. That if the spirit tells you to stop and be silent mid verse, you do it. That if the spirit tells you to repeat this chorus 55 times, you do it. The preparation time isn't that you can pull off this set perfectly polished, the preparation is so that when the spirit leads you to repeat this 55 times, you will have to musicality to pull that off confidently.

There is nothing more freeing for a congregation during worship, than a worship band that is truly free. Hamilton is unique because I think we're the most relaxed campus of all 3, filled with students that are eager, energetic, and willing to raise their hands, dance around, shout and cry out to God. While we always wish that for our congregation, do we display the same sort of freedom as leaders? Do we truly feel free up there? Let's not be so concerned with what people delight in, what people want to see, what people want to hear, that we forget that worship is about what God delights in.

2 Samuel 6:16-22 says:

As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.
:
When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!"

David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel--I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor."

King David was dancing, NAKED, in worship to God, and people thought he was totally nuts, but he didn't care. It wasn't very polished, it wasn't very thought out, it wasn't very proper, but I'm so sure God delighted so much in that.

The question we need to ask ourselves is this, are we about people and music, or are we about Jesus? Should this Saturday the Spirit tells us to stop everything we're doing and do handstands because that's what God delights in, do we have the faith to obey? If God tells us to forget everything we've ever known about worship because he delights in something else, would we surrender?

Fruit-ful-less

My DG started a few weeks ago, and I really wanted to be authentic with them about my past. For that to happen, I actually need to REMEMBER my past, and as my memory isn't all that brilliant, I sit down a lot in QT nowadays thinking about where I was 5, 10 years ago, and the things that God did in my life to bring me to the here and now.

John 15:5 says

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Now logically, the negative converse of this verse should be true too. That if you are NOT seeing ANY fruit, then you are NOT abiding in God. If you're not seeing ANY fruit in your heart, in your life, or in the lives around you, there's a problem with your walk with God. And I think this really rings true with my life before Westside.

Looking back at some of my early CCF ministry years, I see that they were utterly fruitless. I'm not even being modest, it was just THAT bad. Of course those experiences contribute to who I am today, but I clearly remember how my life, and the effects I'd have on other people, were really negative at that time. We'd hold evangelistic events, have nice songs, funny skits, and we'd tell ourselves about how great it went even though the gospel wasn't shared, and of course no one came to Christ. I'd let lukewarm Christians continue to waffle at my fellowship and wouldn't think twice about it. All the while I'd be leading men's group and be on CCF committee, and all that stuff. That was the kind of complacent Christian life that I lived, where I did things "for" God but never really expected or cared about whether He was there or not.

I thought I was being fruitful because I was DOING all of these things, and I let myself get comfortable with not seeing any real fruit, any real transformation in my life and other people's lives, always telling myself that since I'm doing all these things I must be making an impact for God somehow. I never realized that I never saw fruit mainly because I wasn't seeking Him out in the things that I was doing: school, family, relationships, ministries, etc. I wasn't connected with God in my own life, even though I was serving in this and that. Really, I wasn't very passionate about His kingdom, I was just concerned with the chunk of it I called my own.

Not that I'm saying we all need to go out and heal the lame and deaf and blind to be fruitful, but I think sometimes for us, if we really dig deep into our hearts and think about it, the reason we don't see amazing fruit in our lives is simply because we just aren't that passionate about God and what He is doing; all we're doing is asking God to be passionate about what WE'RE doing, what WE want to do.

John 5:19 says

...the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.

In the end, we're not sent out there to do some new and novel thing for God. We're simply asked to do what God has already started doing. As we bow our heads in prayer, look at your life, and since you're here at prayer meeting, look at your ministries. Are you seeing the fruit what you want to see? If so, say a word of thanks for that blessing. If not, take some time to ask God why. Ask God to to reveal to you what He is already doing, so that you can stop doing your own thing, and join Him there instead.

Shane & Shane - Embracing Accusation

"Father of lies, coming to steal, kill and destroy,
All my hopes of being good enough.
I hear him saying, cursed are the ones who can't abide.

He's right, hallelujah, he's right.

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed.
That I am cursed and gone astray,
I cannot gain salvation.

Embracing accusation.

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
That if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying, cursed are the ones who can't abide.

He's right, hallelujah, he's right.

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed.
That I am cursed and gone astray,
I cannot gain salvation.

The devil's singing over me an age old song,
That I am cursed and gone astray.

Singing the first verse so conveniently over me,
he's forgotten the refrain:

Jesus saves!!!"

Life's a Reality Show

As I saw my housemates, friends, and coworkers, hustle bustle their way to total exhaustion this September, I finally realized that summer's over, and that real school life is back. This reminded me of something someone said to me last September. I guess back then I was really raving to him about Westside, but he said "Westside's OK, but you can't stay in that sort of bubble once you're in the REAL world." Something about that sentence has always stuck with me, and it popped back in my mind as I was preparing for this devo.

I realized it reminded me of how I was in undergrad, I had the discipline to go to fellowship on Fridays, and church on Sundays, that's how I dealt with God, that's just how it had to work if I were to get to where I wanted to be. That was what the "real" world handed me, and I have to deal with it, with God or in spite of. I used to make it sound like I didn't have a choice in the matter. But as I think back I realize there IS a choice, in fact, it is the fundamental choice to Christians; whether to face the world of your own accord, power, and ability, or to trust God to change your world AND the way you face it. That decision presents itself from the moment you wake up, and the consequences of which will either encourage you, or haunt you, when you go to bed. In hindsight, I let Satan talk me into believing that my present situation, school and marks and career planning, was all there was to my life, and I'd just have to deal with it the best I could. I know now that when I give myself completely to being used by God, He will change EVERYTHING in my life, in every event and situation, for for the greater good of me and those around me. But perhaps that's what my friend meant when he said bubble, that I now try to see everything in light of Christ.

In the end, being a proper Christian, giving yourself fully to God, that's not the bubble. In undergrad when I was playing along with world's rules, pursuing what others have convinced me to pursue, keeping an image that I thought I had to portray as an asian male that was good at math, THAT'S a bubble. The more I think about my life versus the life that Christ wants me to live, the more I realize that He's goes out to pop ALL my bubbles; to release all the things we had wrapped up and held onto for ourselves.

What I really felt compelled to pray for this week is, are there any areas of your life; school, work, future, finances, relationships; where you're living in the world's bubble? Before we lay a single claim on any of our ministries this afternoon, are there any areas of your life that have not been recast in the light of Christ? Let's really ask God to search our hearts; what parts of you are in the world, and which parts are of the world?

Lessons from Willowcreek

1) When God's people gather, each being maximized fully to their God-given potential, every single person giving their utmost for His glory, insane places like Willowcreek happen.

2) Being truly, and totally, open and authentic about yourself is amazingly freeing.

3) As small group workers, we are the first mission lines of the church towards the community.

4) Chicago-style deep dish pizza is FILLING.

From "The Applause of Heaven"

"As long as Jesus is one of many options, he is no option. As long as you can carry your burdens alone, you don't need a burden bearer. As long as your situation brings you no grief, you will receive no comfort. And as long as you can take him or leave him, you might as well leave him, because he won't be taken half-heartedly."

-Max Lucado

Out of Eden - Praise you

"Lord I really don't know how to write a song.
I'm not always eloquent, sometimes I get it wrong.
But the thing You've doing in me I can't describe,
what a fool I'd be if I chose to hide,
this transformation, new motivation.

Thought that we were close, I've known You all this time.
But I was just living life my way, just getting by.
Thought that if I'd do a good deed or two,
that'd be enough to please You.
I kept the parts I wanted to,
and missed out on the real You.

Now with every step and every breath,
I give it all, hold nothing back.
With all I am, this is my choice,
to live to worship You.

So with all my heart, my soul, my mind,
I'll love You, leave it all behind.
To live my life in awe of You,
is the least that I can do.

I've held on so long to all my hopes and dreams,
while You were asking me to place them all at Your feet.
Let my praise be more than a song I'll sing for You.
Let me change all my ways in response to You.
I've lived for myself, Lord I need Your help,
not I who lives, but You.

For You are worthy of all honor,
and You deserve the sacrifice I'll give.
You've touched my heart and now I see,
what it is You want from me.
So I'll lose the things that hold me back,
so You can set me free.

Now with every step and every breath,
I give it all, hold nothing back.
With all I am, this is my choice,
to live to worship You.

So with all my heart, my soul, my mind,
I'll love You, leave it all behind.
To live my life in awe of You,
is the least that I can do."

True Fasting (Isaiah 58:2-7)

For day after day they seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways, as if they were a nation that does what is right and has not forsaken the commands of its God. They ask me for just decisions and seem eager for God to come near them.
'Why have we fasted,' they say, 'and you have not seen it? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you have not noticed?'

"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please and exploit all your workers. Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists.

You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.
Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

From "The Accountable Man"

"The accountable man is committed to telling the truth regardless of how much it hurts. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit our struggles to others, especially when they are difficult or humiliating. The honest man, however, hates all that is phony or false. He develops a strong distaste for image creating or hypocrisy in lifestyle."

- Tom L. Eisenman

From "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire"

"If a meeting doesn't end with people touching God, what kind of a meeting is it? We haven't really encountered God. We haven't met with the only One powerful and loving enough to change our lives."

-Jim Cymbala

From "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire"

"Prayer is the source of the Christian life, a Christian's lifeline.....That's why the great emphasis on teaching in today's churches is producing such limited results. Teaching is good only where there's life to be channeled. If the listeners are in a spiritual coma, what we're telling them may be fine and orthodox, but unfortunately spiritual life cannot be taught."

-Jim Cymbala

You Complete Me

On the ride back from Wonderland me and Eileen got to talking about how we've changed over these last bunch of months. I thought about it some more the day after, and when I think back to the things that have changed in my life, the things that changed my life, a lot of it I think was just monkey see monkey do. Not that my faith is based on people or anything, but I really admire and respect each of your lives so much. And honestly that's what it was when I first got here, I saw what God was doing in and through your lives, and I just wanted a piece of the action.

I saw in Judy how to continuously challenge and spur on those around her, from Adrienne a warmth and friendliness that surrounds all who work with her, Eileen bringing energy and excitement to God's kingdom, from Tae faith in every situation and a heart of encouragement for the broken, from John a heart of amazing generosity and such humility, from Alex a heart simply overflowing with love and acceptance, from Paul how to instruct, correct, rebuke with gentleness and respect, from Solina a genuine heart of care for the burdens of others...I only talk of the core team right now as i see them a lot, but I've seen something amazing from each of you here.

I was, and still am, very convinced that God delights in you, not only that you're serving him and committing all this time and effort and all that, but that he delights in you simply for you being who you are. And if you think about it, that's just God delighting in His own handiwork; your entire life, your entire being, has been prepared by God for His purpose, for this purpose. And I am absolutely certain that he will continue to prepare us for our final place in heaven, and that He would be with us every single step of the way.

In Philippians 1:4-6 the Apostle Paul says,

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I think to myself, if you guys are this amazing now, I can't even imagine how you'd be like when God's work is complete in you. And I think the same way about Westside Hamilton too, we're going to be one year old soon, and God is already working wonders here: the lost receiving Christ, leaders being built up, people being brought into new and renewed, passionate relationships with Christ. Perhaps you have seen much more amazing things, but to me, God is working so much here, moving so powerfully. Let's pray that just as God is working in us to complete our lives, that He will continue to complete Westside Hamilton, that this will be a place that raises up a generation that is Holy, a people that is truly set apart for God. Let's pray that His work will be complete here, in us, and through us.

From "The Problem of Pain"

"All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of your consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever."

- C. S. Lewis

Blast from the Past

Looking back at these entries (spanning from the beginning of 2nd term exams in 1st year, to the the middle of first term of 2nd year, in reverse chronological order, under the label "The Old Me"), I was a pretty dumb kid. You know that saying, "some things will never change", that's what I'm feeling right now.....

Wow, that was 5 years ago.....

11:45 PM 11/2/2003

haha, this house IS horrible........the lifestyles are so different that i really can't stay here next year......like right now jo's music is cranked, itz almost 12.......and even if i sit here silent for 3 hours, she won't turn it down.....i mean i really should just ask for her to turn it down, but how many times do i have to do it before they figure out that i sleep early......just no courtesy there or a bit of consideration at all, i'm obviously not helping by getting a tad annoying and edgy, but even if she turns it down, the bass still comes shining through, and her singing, yeesh, now i know why people don't like me singin by myself, cuz hitting the notes just doesn't cut it, she hits them, but sound SO nasty.....not soothing at all......sorry to vent like this, but i'm just really annoyed at these guys, my performance isn't anywhere near 100% while i'm here, and i definitly don't want to rish next year to these guys. Now i don't even have the mood to talk about this morning. It was interesting though, i did feel a little uncomfortable goin by myself, but it felt better once i got there and worship got goin. When Amanda. that who the lady's name was, told me that she heard you say don't worry.....i don't really know what i felt.....just surprised for one, looked into myself to see if it applied, and heck it did.....been doin A LOT of worrying this last week, just so much goin on, just so happens the hardest one is last, so i'm just goin to wait on you, cuz i'm goin to try doin a lot of work (although i am slacking a bit), but w/o you i'm just nothing, all the skills smartness or whatnot that people or i think i have, it's yours, i just work with what you give me, and it turns out you've really blessed me a lot. So all i can say is i'll try hard tommoro, and come tuesday morning, i'm just gonna to see how your plan goes. Just so thankful for you to say those words to me....kinda the first time you've ever spoken to me, and it was pretty darn clear this time........"don't worry so much"......wow, so much easier said than done, but now it's you saying it, so i'm goin to believe you (which is generally a wise thing to do i think). Just really gotta lift up my unrest with my housemates to you.....i don't know what to do, other than just to pray, that i can be honorable to you in my behaviour, that i'm not goin to go crazy, and that they'd just be a little more considerate to me, cuz i don't think i'm not being considerate to them.......just need your strength lord, to get through this testing year, i'm almost sure i'm not goin to stay, but i'm praying now for a place for me to go, i can think of a few places, but i really do need an environment not only where i can do well in school, but a place that nurtures my relationship with you, and this place is not it......i dunno what i can do about it, or myabe just that i'm being way over judgemental, but i just can't feel all that much of you in them. Doesn't seem like they live out you cept on fridays and sundays, not that i do either, but yeah, nevermind, i have no right to talk, i'm not christian during the week either, i'm not passionate about you except when i'm in need, and for that i'm just so sorry lord.....just seems like this year has been all talk from me and nothing else.......i'm still not breaking out of that mold from the last years......dunno.....what do i do.....?.....helplift up this week lord.....may i just reflect you a little bit, just think about you more often, and a chance to witness by my actions what you mean to me

12:24 AM 10/25/2003

I'm just so tired now.....been a really long struggling kinda week......just came up dry.....looking at the day ahead i really don't know if i can make it, i feel like the goal is too high....so much pressure....i feel tehre's so much at stake..haven't reflected you at all lately...been really irritated about a bunch of things..just really sorry lord, that i couldn't even be a tiny little bit of you these past weeks, that i've neglected you, ignored you, disobey you, and just plain dishounored you...and yet you are still around, still helping, still saving me. The day got off to such a crap start, one of the last things on my mind was you. Walked out of the bio lab refreshed, and obviously it wasn't the lab that rejuiced me, it was you...even after all that you were still with me, pulling me a long, getting my spirit up to speed. Just need to be so thankful for you sticking with me, itz getting rough, my tiredness is starting to get me edgy....itz not so much i need to sleep or anthing, although that would be a much appreciated thing, but that i'm just exshasted and drained out. My strength really is gone.......i've always asked for your hand in everything....but in the end i always end up doin it my way, using my solutions, using my skills to try to climb out on top.....and it's failed miserably, keep telling myself everyday to work hard and get things done.....all i end up doin is watching the time fly by. I'm at the pointing of giving up on a lot of things.....it just doesn't seem to be picking up at the rate i'm use to....even CCF is now kinda becoming a burden, although i do admit these new relationships are really helping me through. I'm just really glad that you have put people at both end of the spectrum that care.....and it's probably a good thing that those 2 groups are separate. It's always kinda sad for me to look at my simple simple life.....and the fact that somehow i still fail.....but that's no surprise, i really can't do much without you. You have brought me here, pretty much every step, i just always end up doin what i do best and you always take care of everything else. Thank you, ust for a day that you've shown me you're around, i don't think this story really holds water to other people, but i know, cuz i felt it. So sorry i haven't told anyone about you, for all the things you've blessed me with in my life you'd figure that's the least i could do.....and i'm not exactly doin it by example either....dunno what to do.....i can't preach, much less debate....so i can't win in that category, even though i always seem to stray that way in any convesation.....bless me with listening skill.....to hear what people say, not just analyse it. Jus thanks for today....i'm still feeling kinda bad, but at least i'm feeling a bit better....amen

11:53 PM 10/8/2003

Lord, just thank you so much for this week. The 2 midterms were......not as crazy as i first thought they'd be. Well, i don't really know how i did, but at least i did them. Thanks for a great first month, it has been exceptionally smooth, from registration to now midterms. Thanks so much for the blessings. Hope things are still in one piece back home, if anything though, it would be better than before. Pray that you'll be with mom and dad on their vacation, that they'll have a relaxing time, and that it doesn't turn out to be one of those "yes i've been here" trips. Pray that you'll support the commitee in CCF, i haven't had the best attitude lately, always looking out for just me. I keep feeling that they're not looking out for me at all, that they're there just to serve their own purpose. Whether that's true or not shouldn't matter as to how i do my work as admin. I'll just try my best to get what's needed to do done. That's the way i always approach things, and i pray that you can grant me what it takes to do just that. Pray for each commitee memeber, we have a lot of work to do, and it seems like we haven't really quite gotten a handle on how to deal with this much bigger group......although the fellowship as a group really hasn't had all that meetings together yet. But the feeling is different from last year, i don't know whether itz me or itz the fellowship being bigger, or having different people. But it just doesn't feel as homey anymore. Probably because there are so many people that just don't interact with eachother. Crap.....cliques.....that's what's starting to happen, people who only interact with certain other people exclusively. Grant me strength that i can do soemthing about that.....i don't know what i can do....just lift up CCF to you. Lift up this weekend, just that i can find time to touch base with friends, and deal with assignments and midterms.....get a haircut and get flu shot and get teeth cleaning......pretty packed weekend. I hope i have time to do it all. Pray for eric.....dunno what he's up to nowadays, but i pray that he just doesn't talk about you anything, and get around to actually rep-ing that by actions. Cuz so far only thing he has that resembles you is maybe goin to church and hanging out with church friends (i can't even say christian friends), let's hope there's a side to him i haven't seen that reflects you, but so far i haven't seen that at all. Lift up pheebs, dunno what's up with her, but she needs you, ALOT, just to feel you again. Lift up my friends to you, that they can all, whether they know you or not, come to be refreshed in you. Many burdens on my heart lord, so many expectations, so many goals that i don't know if i can achieve. I just feel really tired lord......i need you strength, and i pray i can get some of it this weekend. In you name, Amen

12:37 AM 10/6/2003

Bio test has come and gone, rather simple it was......probably studied a little too much for it. Just need to rejoice before now to say that i have conquereed (at least i think i did well) a subject that sometime ago i sworn i'd never touch again. Thank you for you strength and you wisdom, and just a little bit of calm in me, eventhough towani was playing in my head the whole time. I don't really feel as ready for math though, or ready for this week for that matter, perhaps tommoro i'd just take a look at some of those questions, and refresh. I just continually need you help. Praise you for the turn out for EM, being the pessimistic me, i don't really know how many hearts were moved, but i know at least some are. And itz just great to have listening ears for your message as it came through different people. Thanks for the great CCF so far, even though i'm trying hard to keep up. It's really hard to have someone who knows everything still be on the commitee. On one hand, it is extremely helpful to have someone look over your work and make sure itz goin right. On the other hand, Jon also has his hands full with stuff too. It also makes is kinda hard to find my own groove in this position, i just end up in Jon's groove. Like that dual accounts thing, i have paid NEthing, so the totals in both accounts simply don't move.....so why have accounts? (perhaps for later, but for now, i'm just keeping track of things coming in, and receipts and such) gotta take care of other things too, pray that i'll have time this week before i leave for thanksgiving. Thanks for a great house, even though the showers aren't hot, and the place isn't clean, but itz been homey, and the distance hasn't been that much of trouble. Just thank you for you love in supporting me out here, by myself, and just allowing me to have such a loving family, and for them to be able to provide me with a chance to just concentrate on what i do best, and not worry about the bills or any other circumstance. Thanks you so much for that, that i have a shot at being everything i could be........i recgonize a lot of people don't get that. Eternally was a song i listened to a lot this week, and that's who you are, eternal in every way. I'm exactly the opposite, always temporal, in my love, in my obedience. Lord just help me to be your servant, to do your works, and to serve the communities i'm in, home or mac. Pray for my sister, and for you to continually guide her steps as she moves forward to another chapter in life, just as i have. I'm always goin to be praying for the first years, that they would find peace and grounding in you. That they would draw closer to you this year, as they need you more than ever before, as choices open up for them, pray that you can guide them to make the right ones. Lift up the midterms and labs this week lord.....it'll be busy this week........pray that you'll remind me to talk with you daily, to cast my troubles at you feet, and not be afraid to ask you for help. My marks are cuz of you, and i certainly hope i don't forget that. Amen.

11:44 PM 9/30/2003

Tried, gotta stop playing so much.....Bio is starting to fill my brain, this test could be easy or hard......i can't really tell cuz i've never taken bio.....so i leave it to you, i've worked pretty hard trying to get it all in.......as for math......i just haven't touched much of it at all, which is not good, but i have finished the assignment, so it works. Lift up EM this friday to you.....I haven't done much for me, but i know a lot of people have, so just be there friday, i kinda won't, at least not for a while due to Bio test, so i hope if Brian comes, he'll be taken care of. Eric matters less, cuz he's christian AND he knows people here. Too bad dorothy can't come, it would be nice for her to experience things here, get a better feel. Personally, i don't know which is a better nursing school........ Lift up Brian, hopefully he'll be here fri and he'll just get a chance to sense you, for you to reach into him. I pray for all the teams involved, drama, food, worship, speaker.....that they all be touched and used by you friday, as they all have a part to play. Most of all i pray for all the CCFer who will be attending, i pray that they recgonize that itz everyone's task to welcome people, that this EM isn't for them, but for non believers to get to know a little bit about you. I guess Kelvin is right, there isn't a point in bringin believers to EMs, that's just a waste of seats. The year is kinda progressing towards a checkpoint, after next tues, and when the marks roll in, i'll know whether i'm handling this year properly. Now that i remember, i really need to thank you for solving the OSAP sitution, well, not really solving in human terms, i was just uninformed, but for me it was solving the situation. So thanks so much for a little reassurance. Pray once again for Dorothy, she's capable of doing so many things, i just hope that nursing is your path for her, and that she would find the work fulfilling. Before all that though, she has to get into a good nursing school first, and i leave that up to you. I continue and continually lift up CCF, lotsa new people, and some have already start to leave, I just wished i had more time, and less timidity, to be smileing on campus, to be welcoming everywhere i go, not just fridays. And i pray for that strength lord, to overcome my own restraints and reservations. I share a lot in common with a lot of the first years, both in science and engineering, and i pray that it can serve as a common ground for me to bond with them. Pray for MCG, still dunno what to do, i should start looking, but i pray that you would enlighten me and Jon as the how you want this path to go. I lift up the Bio tests, the EM, and just leave everything i care for in your hands. Amen

12:46 AM 9/28/2003

Sigh, reading back on the stuff i prayed for the last time i wrote in this thing.......things have turned quite a bit, summer is now over, and i'm already a whole month into schoool.... blesings all the way though pretty much, and i don't think i can thank you enough. House is pretty set, everyone is getting along, and i can actually cook a little bit. School is set, i thought i'd be working till death by now, but the pace has been good to me, and i'm roughly keeping up. CCF is goin too, i don't know how i got into leading men's cell, but i have a feeling if anything my kinda leadership works best there. All those things i just really need to be thankful for. Living day by day is the phrase, and it's like that this year even more than the last. I don't know how, but a month has already gone by.........I've decided to goto Little bethel this year, can't say exactly why, but the welcomeness is almost appaling, steming from the fact that MCAC certainly isn't like that, and the chinese culture in general isn't like that. And i think i'm finally getting fed by a speaker too. CCF is goin well, i'd say frosh week was pretty much a resounding success, and fellowship has gotten big now, like real big. Although the number of regular attenders has grown by all that much, probably need another month or so before i can figure out the numbers. Being admin is kinda hard when you're kinda outta touch with the rest of the commitee, itz hard to make decisions about various things like mailing lists and such, Sylvia still hasn't asked me about the email list, but i'll have to ask her soon about what to do about that........all in all, a slow but good start to another lightening year......just wanna lift up OSAP right now, dunno where that money is, but it sure isn't at the bank, which has me rather worried......also wanna lift up the froshies, balance is key, and i think just stepping out and spending time with you is probably more benitficial to marks then staying at room and cramming away. Strength is from you, so is wisdom, and more or less knowledge too..........i'm just so grateful that i'm still goin, brain still working, still keeping up, cuz i' imagined it to be much hard than this (which it might very well be, just gotta wait till mid terms over to find that one out). Lift up our house, opinions vary vastly, just hope we can band together and make this place livable for everyone of us, and in the process, really become brothers and sisters in christ. I also pray for MCG, you know what i want to do with it, problem is, i have no idea how. Me and Jon aren't the most gelled people around, so i pray that you grant us a common direction and goal, so that those who join us will be better for it. I'm goin to sleep now, eventhough there is so much more to say, but i'm goin to try my hardest to talk to you more often like this, so that i can be reminded of your blessings.

12:10 AM 7/13/2003

Just so glad, please don't let this one by..........just so so thankful that we have our fifth housemate, i knew it was either goin to be this or it was goin to be $1100 as punishment for our hastiness, now things are somewhat more normal.....thanks so much......i know itz kinda sad that i can only praise you now in times of happiness, that i've slack in praying these last couple days, even weeks......work has slowed down again, but i think i'm goin to enjoy the new pace that you have blessed me with. You've reminded me that this job is about experience, not money; and that i've got other things to do with my time this summer (wish i could volunteer, but bio along w/ the time for the tests and the training time and setup time i'm not goin to be able to put in much hours, so no point starting). Bio looks like fun, and now i have a couple days a weeek to dedicate to it, so i thank you for once again making this perfect in front of my eyes. Weather has been nice lately, the heat last week was bad, but this week has kinda been just right, even the rainy days. I really need to pray now for strength and guidance, and wisdom in dealing with David. It is really hard to get anything through to him, and i think i need to get off my high horse and just let him be........i can't really change him, but i can change myself........hopefully business will pick up again so i can at least get 3 full working days, then in my mind it'd be perfect. But your plan is probably better so i'll stick to whatever comes. Just so thankful for the housemate, that itz also someone we can kinda look after, and share our last year experiences with. I'm definitely looking forward to investing myself in getting to know felix and kevin and anton better, although somehow in my gut i think felix will really be the only one receptive to me. Just pray that i'm not that one that's one their case, and that they won't be abusing their freedom (so that i don't have to be on their case). Church fellowship is continuing to bloom, people are getting closer, at least from a surface standpoint, and i don't really expect that much more. I think camp would really be a good closing experience, as we pull all our loose personalities together, and say our farewells to another summer. I pray that as you're always w/ us in our gatherings, that you especially touch us during camp, as we look to you to show up. Really pray for brian, he'll be there, and for the first time it isn't about fun and games (eventhough that's a large part of camp). He 's now in a crowd that i think can come to him at the intellectual level that he's very capable of, and i think he is probably better reached at that level, versus Xara style stuff. Just pray that however you lead me in terms of him, that i can respond and be used by you. Really need to life up CCF to you, especially frosh connections, dunno who can represent there, but hopefully 2 can show up. I'm a little torn at this point, cuz both are important, and Jeff's already shown that he can drop fellowship and go. I don't know what i need to do, i want to be at camp, but at the same time Mac CCF needs people at frosh connections......make something happen lord, need your help.....Lift up Phoebe to you, dunno what she's thinking, but at least she is thinking...i'm not really one she can confide in, and i don't know what i cna say either......perhaps i need to say less, cuz in the end i'm not the one with answers. You just need to touch her, she doesn't need death or cancer or whatever to scare her faith back into her, she just needs to you touch her and say "here i am", that's all she needs lord, for her to know you're there, then i think all of it will have meaning again, just really lift her up for your healing......thanks once again for the tremendous rock you have taken off my shoulders, now if only i can register i'd be set......thanks.......

10:50 PM 6/28/2003

Itz been at least a couple of weeks since i wrote to you, and during that time, you have blessed me with just so many things. Ups and downs always come, but yet overall my life has been blessed. I have a job, i had before asked for one to fall into my lap, and this is about as close as it gets. I complain that it pays so badly, yet i enjoy the atomsphere, the looseness of it all. Getting to play around with pieces, getting to learn to work with customers and coworkers alike, i'm getting as much experience outta this as i thought would barely be possible. For many things i really need to praise you, my life, my family, my friends, my work. It has really come a long way. I can't hide the burden that weights on me at this time, i can't imagine what i would do if i was blocked from biomed. At this moment i have growing faith in my own logical reasoning of how this problem is goin to turn out, but i do realize that with you anything is possible, and i really have to rely on you to pull me through this.......please, i really want to study this, to make this my life, it has gotten to the point where nothing else will do......so i pray lord, resolve this soon, this obstacle in the way of a totally blessed summer........but perhaps this is another thing you wanted me to learn, to not always take things at face value, to look at things in detail, and not get caught up in the celebrations after getting what you want........i pray for mercy, for i know many of your lessons are harsh. So many things i needed to thank you for, not just myself, but for my friends, new and old. For Gary, you have granted your servant his passion in sports back. For Kelvin, who, just like me, wanted to work, and you have rewarded him for his volunteering also. For Sonia, eventhough she might not like it much, a needed rest, kinda regaining her breath, before pushing onto another year. I pray she will take this time to draw even closer to you, to leave paradoxes behind, and just hang onto you. For Ginny, she has come a long ways, must have taken a lot of tears to leave Vince, must have been a feeling that i do not yet know, or desire to know. Yet i thank you for her faith, and thank you for your guidance in her life, her revival. I pray that you will continue what you have done in her to jon jesse and samantha, to light a new fire in them, and have them thirst for you. So thankfull for this fellowship, to kinda see what my task sort of will be for the next year, to been meet the expectations for me next year through the experience in this summer, itz been incredible to get to know the people that i've seen so much though these years, and yet never really got to know. I can't say they're my best friends, but for sure this is one more step towards that. jenny, kelvin, alice, oli, jeff, really thankful for them, for my work with them, and their friendship in my life. Somehow, i think ginny is right, my mind is slowly changing, to where i don't know, but i do know that i talk to you a bit more, i don't want to write anything else cause it seems like i'm boasting. Thankful for eric, not just because he drives me around, but because i under-appreciate this brother way too much. He's always roaring to go, no matter what happened, and i just pray that i can do the same, and when he needs me, i won't be just the wise dude spewing out idioms, but really be a source of strength and comfort, i pray that i can be that for all that i call friend. Right now i want to life shaun up to you, his life is ahead of him, and he needs you guidance, your opening up of doors for him, and i pray that he won't be down because of his circumstances, that he will always have his strength in you. Ease the burden on my heart lord.

1:43 AM 6/9/2003

sigh, i guess i haven't written much in here the last couple weeks cuz i've kind agiven up hope......job hunting is a pretty darn discouraging thing to do......i haven't even gotten the chance to get door shut on me, they were never open in the first place. Uni fellowship is really something to praise you and to worship you about, not that we ever needed a reason....that's true.....people need to learn to praise you for their routineness in life.....NEways, fellowship blooming, things are getting set up, attendance is getting regular, and people are getting to know eachother by more than name and reputation. I'd like to think making ME feel at home is a hard thing, but i do feel more at home there than a lot of places. Just continue to pray for sam, jon, rich, jesse, and ray.........all of them need you, badly to just invade into their lives, and change them at the core........dunno what i can do NEmore, just don't have the words to say, give them to me, the see the pointlessness, the uselessness of things things they strive for, the lack of passion and will to be with you, itz really disheartening, to see them move through the motions.....for what? i still don't get it, but i suppose a gesture is a gesture and they'll keep coming, although i don't know how much they get......i thank you for jesse, he's coming to fellowship, and i'll do my best to continue to encourage him to come. Leading studies is an interesting thing, i'm always trying to look for clever things, smart things to bring out.....but i pray that you can make me take notice of the little things, the things in our lives that we take for granted, the miracle of your walking with us, of us being able to talk to you personally.......changes in me, dunno what she could mean, i'm more joyous nowadays, but still i feel rather similiar in mindset...... "how could you expect me to explain God to you, if i can't even expect you to explain calculus to me?" interesting thought, people always think why can't christian prove God exists......well.....i'd like to think you're a little more complicated than math......and i'm having a hard enough time figuring that out......Really dunno what to do about church singspiration, i don't particularly like it, but i don't really have any solutions that i can personally accomplish....just have to pray for that.....for soemthing to stir up in these people. NEways, sleeping, get me a job tommoro.....please.....

1:44 AM 5/20/2003

itz been like 12 days, pretty boring 12 days.......cept more of uni fellowship, and it definitely is getting better. People are opening up, which is really good, i just hope i can do the same (and so far i've failed pretty badly so you have to help me). I want to pray for roady and prunella (i can't spell). It's bad enough for them to move away from home, but itz not like they move out for school, at school you can just walk outside and meet w/ people yr age that you can get to know, can't if you away from home for work. So i just pray that they will come to this fellowship, feel welcomed, make friends, and eventually have these friendships extend into the week. I hope that somehow i can play a part in doing that (don't really know how, but if you show me, i'll be there) I don't know HOW i got myself into being devo coord. I was just willing, and off i went. I thought about it for like a second, and i knew i didn't know nearly enough. I pray for this friday, that i can share w/ them something that has been shared w/ me, that has touched me, and made me understand more about what you intend for us. And i really hope that you grant me the wisdom and the clarity to have them understand it too. I really thank you for Jesse, that he isn't being all skeptical and stupid about fellowship, that he was willing to come, as long as we were there w/ him. And i'll definitly be there, it'll be nice to know an old friend again. I pray that i can do my best to just bring them to this fellowship, Jesse, Jon, Samantha, that they can be blessed, by being closer to you. I pray for Jon, that somehow his scheduling conflicts can be solved, that you would arrange time for him to come. Read big albert's email about mona, i really long to see w/ my own eyes that kind of transformation, and to be involved in giving life back to someone. I have failed you so many times in stuff like that, that i just really pray for opportunities that i will take, to lead people to you. Still don't know what i'm doin for the summer, will need something soon, money depleting, so just help me. On another note, GO is really know fun, i'm still not very good, and miss lotsa things, but someone i have an urge to learn and play. And once again i'm reminded that i'm disappointed and discouraged rather easily, guess i just haven't failed enough to get used to it, but i just pray that you work on that part of my life, that i can press on eventhough things aren't goin nicely. I lift this next week up to you, may it be productive, and glorifying to your name.

7:55 PM 5/8/03

Got the pics from Shaun today, he sure sent a lot....... brings back really fond memories, or just sharing our brains and our lives w/ eachother, sure am goin to miss that..... and i'm like really non photogenic, maybe i'm just being harsh on myself i guess. Itz almost depressing being home doin nothing nowadays, just sitting there, kinda like loitering, only in yr own home...... which really makes no sense. I just really wanna pray for this SARS thing, goin to drop off resumes at the hospitals really gives you a sense that this is really serious and people are really fearing....... i just don't know what your will is in all this, but after some thought i begin to realize that your return is coming, and these are just some signs of the the chaos to come. I'd just like to pray for a cure/vaccine of some sort, but that's just my own human planning and pleading, but may your will be done. My job hunting has kinda stopped, letting the agency do itz thing, and hoping for a call soon..... i'm starting to feel my brain slowly rot away...... so i guess i'm goin to start tutoring people..... cuz i think i can, and it'd keep my brain rolling at least..... Just need to shout praise to you for these marks that have rolled it, just amazing how you can turn something that i thought was so horrible into a decent mark, just thank you so much, cuz this is better than i could have ever imagined..... which leads me to think, what would i do if it didn't turn out this good, but quite the opposite..... i'd like to think i'd still stay strong in you, still praise your name, still love you...... but i know that i'm not nearly strong enough to do that, i'd curse you, doubt you, maybe even turn away, so i just pray now that you grant me strength to always be with you, through everything, not just the bright days, but the darker ones, cuz if anything, i'll need you even more then. I guess w/ those last marks, it really wraps up this magical year. I'm just thankful that tears haven't been shed over it, as i'm sure some are for some people, and thankful that my life, in you and in everything, has been renewed........ thankful that for the first time i really saw you working down here, working in people, through people........ so much that i'm now begging for you to do the same thing in me, that i would be blessing to others, not because i'm good or i'm talented, but because i have you...... just thank you so much, somehow i feel i'll never be thankful or praiseful enough to express how much you meant to me this year. I'm still a little dazed about how this is over, and i won't have it back (unless i fail.....) I'd just like to once again lift my summer up to your hands, use it as you will, guide me and lead me to something worthy of your name. For me my plan is to find a job, but may yr will be done.]

11:57 PM 5/2/03

first MCAC fellowship today, was good, in itz own way...... didn't feel quite the same energy and vitality as HCCF, felt more restrainted... but i guess that's just the way we are here. I'm really looking forward to this fellowship growing deeper though, I can really feel the leaders hearts really in it, although they might not be approaching this in a way i would, but i can really feel that dedication, that internal passion. I just hope that in this 4 months here i can somehow contribute a bit to this growing ministry. Sylvia is really correct, we kinda are really lacking in worship, and i feel this is more than just missing talent..... MCAC really doesn't have a heart of worship, i think the uni students are definitly better than the adults, but i just don't feel much energy.... but perhaps i'm just more used to more hyped up worship, i don't know how much i can help in that area, but i kinda feel that itz the only place i can help. Talking to sonia about friends, and yeah, i am really concerned, not about my new friends, but the old ones, seems almost like not friends now. Still keep up the looks of friendship, but there's just nothing deep there...... uni hasn't been helpful to them at all, i was revived, refreshed, and they have just fallen further and further away..... not that they're pulling 180s on me, just slowly, bit by bit, turning away from you, making you a smaller and smaller part of their lives. So i really pray for them, touch them lord, with you hand, to bring them back to you.... use me as you would to achieve this, because i don't want to see them go. They need refreshing, renewing, getting to really know you, and not about you, cuz they know all about you already, but that's not what it's about...... Really glad that sis has really grown in her ministry, and really starting to think, not just do, and really getting to know your will, your plan for what she does...... really just growing, getting to know you heartedly, and that's really cool, and i just want to say thanks. Still need a job though, so i'm just goin to lift that up to you, and hope you provide.

11:32 PM 4/29/03

ah, been a while since i wrote........been back home for a while now, just sitting around, resting up, having fun, waiting for marks........don't know if i want to see some of those. I'd just want to thank you again for this year, and for the successful end of exams, how successful i was IN the exams is another story. Just thanks for everything, a wrap to a good year......now onto a job.......GIVE ME ONE PLEASE, gosh, i'd really hope to work, on something, NEthing, cuz heck itz boring doin nothing for 4 months......i wonder how calc will go, CURVE CURVE CURVE......just looking forward to next year, in various ways......school, eventhough i think it'd be like crazy hard, is beginning to sound like fun......challenging me to new levels, and i kinda welcome that i think, i'm not a person whos like to do easy things OVER and over again, although i do have to admit i'm very scared of failure, cuz i don't think i experience that enough times to get used to it.... i'd imagine it wouldn't be hard to kick me into despair..... Jessie is kinda rite, i get worried real easy, and i'm very prone to overanalysing, and overthinking situations....... too much extrapolating..... and i definitly can't read people as much as i think i can. The MCAC uni fellowship, definitely worth goin to see how this will go, have to admit i'm a little skeptical as to how open these people will be to eachother, and i think that's probably the most important thing, to drop the masks of any sort, and just share our lives w/ eachother. I'm however, looking forward to contributing, to practice being kind, friendly, and open...... itz like CCF first day over again, only now w/ more intimidating people... but we'll see. I just want to pray for the commitee at this fellowship, just to pray that they can lead us, in this somewhat unusual circumstance, to really reel in some of the more lost uni students at this church..... and for myself, that i'd do my best to improve it, even though i'm not in a leadership position. Thanks Lord.....for everything this year, you've been great.

4:09 PM 4/20/03

ah, the meaning of charimatisim.....went to Hamilton Christian Fellowship, was actually a church, charismatic one at that...... sonia thought i'd freak, but i didn't really feel all that much..... sure, they were REALLY different, and if NEone like them was found at our church, oh man, all hell would break loose..... but i don't nessarily find NEthing wrong w/ them, they are very passionate about worship, or just very passionate in general.... they don't take the simpler truths of Jesus lightly at all, which is something really different.... and the people, wow, perhaps itz just because itz a really small church, but it seems they're like in a hurry to greet you, and actually have a CONVERSATION w/ you. Dunno lord, just seems kinda weird to me, that's all, but i really admire their enthusiasm, their energy, and just their fire. Don't think i'll ever go back though, a little too different for me. I have a feeling next year i'll be at Little bethel, something "hotter", but not way out there so to speak. Year is REALLY rolling to an end, i'm really goin to leave soon, kinda looking forward to it, and kinda not..... i will be rid of this horrible school work, but then again i hope i have something to do for the summer, cuz itz goin to be pretty darn boring otherwise, but i'll let you handle that part..... back to the freaking part...... i guess people just assume i'm super traditional, which in most ways i am, i mean, i was an HONG KONG suburb kid (if there was such a thing, i was it), so i'm not exactly what i'd called experienced in many things.... I just don't get dazed by much, nothing really surprises me.... no wait, actually a lot of things startle me, just not the important big things..... all the stupid things like people's haircuts and the smell of food and such surprise me, but if one of my friends came up to me and said she was pregnant, i don't really think i'd be all that surprised, or worked up, or upset or what not.... i just kinda expect everything and anything to happen..... NEways, goin to chill a bit before heading back to physics..... help me on calc, PLEASE......

11:28 PM 4/16/03

Haha, this one is about me. Looking at some online journals today, why do people want people to read this stuff (although the attention is kinda attractive). Dunno, Bonnie is really freaking, and i dunno why, she has an acceptance already, and i'm pretty sure w/ 80s she should get more.....seriously, these kids are freakin out a little much, if you aren't borderline, you're goin to make it in somewhere, just makes no sense to fret......perhaps no waterloo or UT, but there are plenty of places better than them.....just the crowd mentality i guess...."lotsa people go there so it MUST be good".....stupid crap (i sound a little bitter, but i can't be, cuz i got into the loo, Mac by choice BABY) Just wished i could be there to tell her itz ok, she tends to overexagerate things. Looking over her journal, i KNOW she won't be able to handle herself at res....unless she gets the roommate directly hand picked by you.....and i fear for that roomie......(what am i saying, if she comes to mac, i'd be her roomie) Haha, i just got an online journal, i guess i'm just goin to send the addy to friends, that i think i've written a little about.....(must remind bons not to tell everyone). 2 exams down, 3 to go. 1 easy, 1 hard, 1 insane, just help me, cuz you know i'll need help for calc. I'm goin to try my best, just kinda had to chill out today, 9am exams are just not cool. As for the summer, really kinda need a job, not so much for the money, but for something to do......i guess for that i can always volunteer.....Looking forward to moving out, to really think back on it, i'm getting really tired of res, just getting outta this hole they call a room, goin back home w/ family and friends, looking forward to that for sure.....I'm hangin on for dear life, just thank you so much for grabbing hold of me, a couple more to go.....

11:11 PM 4/16/03

Hmm, really thinking about Deeper for next year is hard......this year was fun, but i don't think it was as effective as it could be. Kel and sonia are thinking about book studies, i don't particular like that one, perhaps cuz i don't read. I dunno, i just want an open places for people to come and discuss things, but perhaps goin w/ a book brings out more than just discussion alone. I just don't want the book factor keeping people from coming, and looking at erin's IV group, i seriously dunno how many froshes are in it. We'll need to get a box of books for sure, cuz for us to tell froshes to get a boo, well that's a little pushin it (for me NEways). Dunno, just bless what we're doin, cuz i remember the last time i tried doin something like this.....it sucked. I tried to get people to bond (cuz having you in the picture wasn't even an option at that point, or so i thought), and i still sucked at that. I'd just like to imagine what would happen if i actually did bible studies.....would not have been pretty.....just did not have the equipping. This year has been changing, but i'm still not sure if i'm THAT different in terms of leadership from back then. Just help me Lord, cuz you know i need it, to have the words to say, to have the questions to ask, to probe for answers, to be friendly, and open.......As to how this group is goin to work, i really pray that you guide us on that part. I'm thinking more open stuff for first sem, get to know people, get a regular group coming, then switch to a book study for second sem, would make sense. I wonder if it'll be froshes again too, cuz i don't think first sem would attract (contemplated if that word was rite, but there's an element of choice in this) that many upper years. Really will have to see how many are in CCF next year, but if you have a way for us, show us....

10:24 PM 4/15/03

sigh, tight accepella, listening to it now, i just feel we'll never quite get there, perhaps itz just the studio and the computers. But then again, none of our voices is like particularly talented, and together we can sound good occasionally, but never spectacular. All of this has really brought me back to a question that has bugged me for a long time, is singin the important part? if it isn't, then what is? How much is trying TOO much? Kelvin really knocked it over the head, it isn't us doin the convicting, it isn't us doin the moving, it's you. We're just here to say the words, to spread them, it's your job to work those words within them. That gets me thinking, what are christian artists for then? to make good music, to spread the word, or both? I have a feeling itz a VERY fine line between spreading the word, and showing off. I just want to sound good, have people listen to us, and perhaps be moved by what we do.....but i guess that's kinda a wrong idea i've had all this time. If we believe in the words, really seek after your heart as we go about this ministry (and it really should be a ministry), then i truly believe you'll make us shine. That obviously doesn't mean that we'll do nothing and just pop up there and beltch out stuff, but the focus i think shouldn't be to sound good to people, but to sound good to you. Have a good message, fit into the theme, keep it plain and simple. I think we really need to get back to that......none of that showy choreo crap i've been imagining, just something that strikes OUR hearts, and if it strikes our hearts, i think it would touch theirs too. That's why i really wanna try to work on a few worship songs, kinda taking them outta that style, and fitting it to ours. People shouldn't be moved by our harmony, but rather by the words and our emotion. I always thought that we needed to sound good so people will listen to us, but i think you've shown me this year that it isn't like that, people will listen if you mean it, whether it sounds angelic or horrible (although i have to admit i don't wanna sound horrible, but that's simply a pride thing). With that all said, i think this year i definitely want to focus more than the sound, more towards the lyrics, and the feeling, perhaps towards simpler songs (THAT will certainly be a change of direction, all this time we've been working towards tighter harmonies). Still dunno what will happen after this summer, I'd imagine that largely depends on what happens this summer, and towards what the guys think of what was said above (i'd imagine they'd agree, but whether that will reflect in the mentality/actions is hard to tell, cuz it took me a while to get my head around those). I just pray that you'll give us the heart to make this your work, that we won't be relying on you just to make us sound good, that we'll be relying on you to work through us, not just in us.

8:08 PM 4/12/03

So it has been decided, i am the CCF treasurer/secretary (no no, administrator, just to spite jon =) for next year. Somehow i kinda knew this was where it was goin, i have so much more doubts about being vice chair......it was only after talking to Gary that i really gave that position any thought, and i think i would be 50% of one at this point, but the other 50% is definitely more fitting for Jon, so i'm glad it kinda worked out that way. Everything just kinda fell in place too, which i give you thanks for...... Albert was rite though, we're a rather submissive bunch....... not much conflictive comments in the meeting.... just a lot of "that's cool", "works for me"..... but i guess you can't really say much else when i does work out. Gotta increase the typing speed for next year too, although i'm kinda amazed i'm pretty darn quick now, not even looking too, probably too much ICQ =) I just really pray for us, i think itz goin to be a lot of fun sharing this experience with the bunch next year, and i really lift us and the fellowship up to you, for you to work in us and through us. Need to work on the willingness to communicate too, you know how much i suck at that. I was really surprised that greg would be willing to do worship coordinator....but that's REALLY cool, that he would be willing to step up like that. I'm really glad that the commitee are all full of people i can talk to, people i'm not intimidated by..... the commitee this year was great, they were really friendly, but in terms of intellect and spirituality..... Gary said that it's just us being humble, but for me, this year has been a HUGE learning experience, off campus more than on, that i can't compare where i'm at in my walk with where they're at. There isn't one moment here that i've regreted coming to MAC, everything has just been so great, i can't thank you enough.... and next year, my wish is that the froshes won't regret it one bit either, that's my other passion i guess, so i pray that you will equip me for that goal, as i'm not the easiest person to get to know, and not the easiest to approach, not the most open, and definitely not the most friendly, so i'll really need to work on those. I'm also kinda concerned about the house, not so much the me/Jo thing, but just to find the 5th. I really wish bonnie and felix to come, and share what i have shared. And i think, knowing bons, it would be harder for her to live w/ us cuz itz far, but i really want to keep an eye on her, she seems like the type to really flip inside out in uni. I want her to grow, but in a good way, keep her in nicer crowds, cuz i don't know how well she picks friends. I'm not as worried about felix, i can rely on him to hold his own, and guide himself correctly. Guide me and hold me, cuz i have a feeling, in the next 4 exams, i might be falling.

4:06 PM 4/8/03

How much you put into fellowship is how much you get out of it......i've been doin a little thinking, is that really true? Certainly there's a lot to be had just being at fellowship, otherwise i wouldn't have been there all these years. But how much of what you get from fellowship by just sitting there is worth while? THe socializing, the fun, the chats, the relationships that you build, a lot of that is important to me, but how important should they really be compared to what i can get from really being involved, really taking ownership of a fellowship? and should we really have a mentality at all that we need to get something from fellowship in order for us to attend?.....i dunno, just full of questions today......questions with no answers, as of yet, worthwhile to think about them though. To me, fellowshipping is just something christians do, just like if you're not called to any particular church you don't stop goin to church all together, you just pick one and go. And when God decides to move you else where, that's his choice. So to me it is really odd that josh expressed that kind of opinion, to not goto fellowship at all because he wasn't called to one. But i'm glad he decide to come to CCF (or so he says, for now) for a year, i just hope and pray that he isn't just coming to full fill the requirement to be able to lead a small group......but i'll let you be the judge of that. School is over, and along w/ is, so is first year. quick quick quick......blue skys of september is now back, only now it's april.....at this rate if i blink i'd graduate. Goin to miss shaun, all of the seniors here, the amazing thing about them, is that they ALWAYS see you eye to eye, no ifs or buts. I kinda wished i had a shot at tasting Jill's cooking, since people talk about it so much. Kinda weird that i still remember Chang, eventhough the only times i saw her was at the VERY beginning of the year, and the VERY end. Next year is goin to be interesting, dunno if Joanna will ever talk to me again......but i guess i was kinda a jerk a lot of times, so she kinda has a right to.....gotta work on that (even if josh was just making that up, i think that part of my personality has always needed work on). Pray for everyone, exams aren't fun, so i pray that everyone is given a fair chance to show their best.....I'm goin to be clingin to you for life so don't let me fall plz

12:36 AM 4/7/03

theme for next year.....a bright reflection.....just shining for all who cares to see, reflecting God, not just talking about him, on campus, in the community.....planning to have deeper stay next year somehow, sonia is interested in coleading, kinda a CC/CCF thingie, would be cool.....yeah, kinda starting on the vision, thinking of groups, i figured if my visions involved small groups, it would be kinda silly for me not to lead one. Deeper i think has made me think a lot, and it would really be sad to see it go, so i'm goin to try not to let it. Gotta start studying soon, feel so lazy, need to wind back up tight again. Just hope you'll provide what it takes, cuz the last ones are kinda killer. Now i REALLY dunno what position i'll do best in.......Jon was good as treasurer, but he has a closer relationship with Sylvia and can probably better help her as vice chair........dunno dunno dunno. This first committee meeting is goin to be interesting indeed. Filled out the eng selection form, if all goes well, i'm goin to be an electrical and biomedical engineer starting next year, got the same butterflies now as i had in sep, can't wait to go, but also real scared of what could be coming. I just pray you guide Wilson, i know he's trying to do what he think's best, but i just don't think he can use all of his incredible potential commuting, just show him a way. Pray for my sis, needs direction, something she's passionate about that she can study. I NEED A JOB!!!! Just really sincerely pray for the committee next year, i see a lot of enthusiasim, a lot of potential for great things to be done by you through us. I dunno, i felt that the "4 people in 1 house" question was really silly. That should actually make the committee better, having that extra closeness, extra understanding. ....should be better than if everyone if in diff house NEhow.....although i can kinda understand the fact that if they all in same program then they get busy all at the same time, that's where we all have to support eachother i guess, and i pray i can really contribute.

10:50 PM 4/5/03

That was about CCF, this is just about my year in general. It's been crazy, gone SO fast, i steped on campus like yesterday =) Been an incredible year, an awesome renewal. Met some great people, some not so great people, learned a lot, learned there's lot's more to learn. (still don't understand why people think i know physics). I guess it was just typical me that i'm comfortable away from home, although i really did miss my family at times. Eng was fun, i never thought i'd say that, but it has been. To do what i'm good at, to make my future in it, and to have God just guide me every step of the way, it's awesome. I just hope the next 3-4 years doesn't go by as quickly, otherwise i'd be gone soon. But like Gloria said, about 5 years is enough. Electrical and biomed eng, i must be nuts......never thought i'd ever touch bio again, but here i am, taking healthsci......be a doctor eh, still think no way......Sis has grown a bit too, still rather directionless, but i'm hoping you'd change that. I'm just thankful, for u getting me here, to find this family, to be a part of it......this program might kill me, but i'm pretty sure i'm more interested in this than comp eng. Food was really a challenge, so salty, and after a while, so nasty. Roomie is ok, just drunk friends pissed me off. But fun year overall i think, dunno if i'll do it again though, kinda tough.....not goin to get NE easier

10:30 PM 4/5/03

Hmm, first writing.....had to think about my vision for CCF this week, i don't really know all that clear at first, just thankful Gary was able to help me with it. Now i'm on the commitee for next year, feels weird, cause i think i might have been here before, and it didn't work out so well last time. It was really weird how Gary kinda brought out my liking for small groups, they really had changed me this year, and supported me when i think i was goin nuts. Men's cell was always fun, whether we were just talking or studying the word. All of us had good things to say, and it was a lot of fun getting to know the guys. Deeper, kinda missed out on the first half, but Shaun and Gloria really lets things loose, and a sunday school answer is never really allowed. Allowed me to really probe my own mind, to what i believe in, and revealed to me a lot of things that i need to explore further. I dunno, one hand, i'm keen on seeing small groups grow, but don't know how......on the other hand, i'm bad at communication so treasurer is kinda tough for me......so where am i goin? This vision, as sylvia pointed out, is something i'm not very good at, to see ahead, to understand what i want.....just help me, i'm in this 100% now, and i can't give NEthing less.

The Old Me

Wow, found this text file with my old jounal in it, figured I'd post all the entries here. Reading it, and looking back....man I was different....lol.

Sticking to it

Men's retreat was pretty crazy, learn a whole lot about being a real man, relationships and such. But I guess the biggest thing for me was the Friday night, where we really invited the Holy spirit to really work in our midst. As I was confessing my sins the biggest one that hit me REALLY REALLY hard was my negativity and lack of faith. This really reminded me of Abraham's story in Genesis 22:1-18, so I guess that's what I'm sharing today.

To be honest, if I were in Abraham's shoes, I'd just brush off that calling of sacrifice as nothing, because in my mind, there's NO WAY AT ALL that sacrificing Issac would do ANYTHING to fulfill God's promise to Abraham, or to help the kingdom of God in any way. I always think like that, that I try to make sense of the situation in my own head, and instead of looking to God for the next step, I look to my own logic. And of course, a lot of times things don't make sense, and that's why I get so negative cause other people are pushing a certain direction, and I'm always like, well, that's probably not going to work......I actually used to think that I knew what was going to happen next, I never had the faith that God could do anything else with the situation.

But you know what, going through that night at men's retreat, re-reading this story, the one thing I know now is that it isn't my job to make sense. That you stick with what God has called you to do regardless of how outrageous or ridiculous you think it is.

That's why I'm really encouraged by the people who come from Mississauga, who continue to invest here, you guys are doing exactly that. I know that Hamilton might not be the most fruitful or rewarding campus, and I suppose it is somewhat natural that some will really rather be else where after a while here. That kind of thinking I've always been guilty of. And I guess that's the continual challenge to us, that if you are called to be here, stick with it; even though it might not be very comfortable being here, even though you might not see much fruit, even though you might be discouraged, even if you think you're not making a difference at all. Let's stick to what God has called us to do.

Let's pray for hearts that are truly passionate for Hamilton, that on any given sat we wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Let's pray for continual faith, patience, and most of all, perseverance for our ministries here. I know God's going to faithfully stick to this, are we going to do the same?

You dare call HIM too late?

I guess this week has been quite a week for me, started off with a lot of grief, but ended with joy and peace. The passage that really hit me in my QTs this week, the one that I'm going to share with you, is the story of Lazarus, as recorded in the book of John 11:21-27.

"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."

In a lot of ways I pretty much went through what Martha went though. I had struggled with one particular situation for months, I had spent much time praying about it, much effort in trying to fix it, and when the situation finally came to an end this week I was angry at God. I was telling him "If you had done this this and this like I ask you to, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now".

In hindsight I realized that God was staring at me smack dab in the face, telling me that things will be fine, and the only thing that me or Martha could come up with was "you're too late". Jesus told her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha replied, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." She still didn't clue in to what Jesus could do. In the same way I also thought He was too late, I thought there was nothing He could do about the situation now, but by His grace what was once a grief was not nearly as grievous as we all thought.

What God really taught me this week, is to not underestimate Him. To never put anything past his abilities, past his sovereignty, past his power. His plan is pleasing and perfect, period. He's never too late, or too early, or too little, or too much.

And that's the encouragement I wanted to share with you guys today. It's an encouragement that Adrienne brought to the worship team last week, and it's one that God really showed me this week. Hamilton campus in the summer is not exactly the liveliest place, it's usually just a handful of people, mostly the team that's already sitting here. It's very easy to feel that's this is just how it is.

But right now, there are enough people on the campus this very instant to fill this room to over-flowing. Let us not put it past God to do just that. On the other hand, if one passer-by hears one line in a song, one sentence from the sermon, and that becomes a link in their chain to salvation, that alone would make these next 6 hours worth while. Let us not put it past God to do that.

As we pray for this afternoon's service right now, may we be reminded, as God so powerfully showed me this week, that God is ready, willing, and able to make miracles a reality in our lives. Are we ready? Are we willing? Do we believe?

From "A Grief Observed"

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask—half our great theological and metaphysical problems—are like that."

- C.S. Lewis

Westside 101 in a sentense 3: Prayer = ?

Consistent, constant, faithful (Mark 11:22-25) prayer and quiet time =

= Power (John 15:5)
= Freedom (Matthew 11:28-30)
= Intimacy (Luke 10:17)

Who's the better manager?

I got into this little rant at CCF elections 07', as I warned the nominees of the nature of their position, and the required scope of their dedication.

Every year I ask the nominees how they would treat school should they be elected. I for one am very familiar with the stresses of serving and schooling simultaneously; in fact, I pretty much fell flat during my year on committee due to school. And as I see kids come into this fellowship, I feel their pressures of school grow larger year after year, and thus this year I found it of particular importance to press this question as most of the nominees are second years seriously aiming for great marks.

More often than not, the answer I get back for this question involve the words "time management"; that they plan to ask, or have faith that, God will grant them the skill, and patience, and perseverance, and whatever other graceful attribute you'd like use, to properly manage their time and achieve both good school grades and strong CCF leadership.

I think that's a completely wrong perspective on how committee life is supposed to work. What "time management" essentially says is that you believe that God will grant you the ability to do what He and the fellowship wants, AND what you want. What you're saying is that you want to take on this role, but are not prepared to give up anything to do so.

The fact of the matter is, what God calls for isn't a life of balance, it's a life of sacrifice. The faith you place in becoming a committee member isn't cheap. In responding to His calling to CCF leadership, you must put your next school year in His hands. Should He, in his pleasing and perfect will, call on you to surrender your marks for the fellowship's progress, then that's what you have to do. Anything less is simply rebellious.

Being a committee member isn't so glorious now is it? Sorry, I'm just not a big fan of the hug fest that's post-CCF elections. Any ex-committee member would tell you that being on committee isn't particularly fun, nor particularly rewarding, and definitely not easy. Most of the time, the newly-elected's elation is simply an indication of how naive and how unperceptive they are about their future role.

Now I fully believe that God doesn't intend for us to serve and fail school, but until you truly surrender the control you so dearly clench onto in this search for balance, until you give up trying to manage this chunk of academic life you call your own, God cannot work in your studies, or in anything else for that matter.

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." Luke 17:33

Until you give up on trying to manage your own life, God won't have a chance to manage it for you.