From "The Problem of Pain"

"All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of your consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever."

- C. S. Lewis

Blast from the Past

Looking back at these entries (spanning from the beginning of 2nd term exams in 1st year, to the the middle of first term of 2nd year, in reverse chronological order, under the label "The Old Me"), I was a pretty dumb kid. You know that saying, "some things will never change", that's what I'm feeling right now.....

Wow, that was 5 years ago.....

11:45 PM 11/2/2003

haha, this house IS horrible........the lifestyles are so different that i really can't stay here next year......like right now jo's music is cranked, itz almost 12.......and even if i sit here silent for 3 hours, she won't turn it down.....i mean i really should just ask for her to turn it down, but how many times do i have to do it before they figure out that i sleep early......just no courtesy there or a bit of consideration at all, i'm obviously not helping by getting a tad annoying and edgy, but even if she turns it down, the bass still comes shining through, and her singing, yeesh, now i know why people don't like me singin by myself, cuz hitting the notes just doesn't cut it, she hits them, but sound SO nasty.....not soothing at all......sorry to vent like this, but i'm just really annoyed at these guys, my performance isn't anywhere near 100% while i'm here, and i definitly don't want to rish next year to these guys. Now i don't even have the mood to talk about this morning. It was interesting though, i did feel a little uncomfortable goin by myself, but it felt better once i got there and worship got goin. When Amanda. that who the lady's name was, told me that she heard you say don't worry.....i don't really know what i felt.....just surprised for one, looked into myself to see if it applied, and heck it did.....been doin A LOT of worrying this last week, just so much goin on, just so happens the hardest one is last, so i'm just goin to wait on you, cuz i'm goin to try doin a lot of work (although i am slacking a bit), but w/o you i'm just nothing, all the skills smartness or whatnot that people or i think i have, it's yours, i just work with what you give me, and it turns out you've really blessed me a lot. So all i can say is i'll try hard tommoro, and come tuesday morning, i'm just gonna to see how your plan goes. Just so thankful for you to say those words to me....kinda the first time you've ever spoken to me, and it was pretty darn clear this time........"don't worry so much"......wow, so much easier said than done, but now it's you saying it, so i'm goin to believe you (which is generally a wise thing to do i think). Just really gotta lift up my unrest with my housemates to you.....i don't know what to do, other than just to pray, that i can be honorable to you in my behaviour, that i'm not goin to go crazy, and that they'd just be a little more considerate to me, cuz i don't think i'm not being considerate to them.......just need your strength lord, to get through this testing year, i'm almost sure i'm not goin to stay, but i'm praying now for a place for me to go, i can think of a few places, but i really do need an environment not only where i can do well in school, but a place that nurtures my relationship with you, and this place is not it......i dunno what i can do about it, or myabe just that i'm being way over judgemental, but i just can't feel all that much of you in them. Doesn't seem like they live out you cept on fridays and sundays, not that i do either, but yeah, nevermind, i have no right to talk, i'm not christian during the week either, i'm not passionate about you except when i'm in need, and for that i'm just so sorry lord.....just seems like this year has been all talk from me and nothing else.......i'm still not breaking out of that mold from the last years......dunno.....what do i do.....?.....helplift up this week lord.....may i just reflect you a little bit, just think about you more often, and a chance to witness by my actions what you mean to me

12:24 AM 10/25/2003

I'm just so tired now.....been a really long struggling kinda week......just came up dry.....looking at the day ahead i really don't know if i can make it, i feel like the goal is too high....so much pressure....i feel tehre's so much at stake..haven't reflected you at all lately...been really irritated about a bunch of things..just really sorry lord, that i couldn't even be a tiny little bit of you these past weeks, that i've neglected you, ignored you, disobey you, and just plain dishounored you...and yet you are still around, still helping, still saving me. The day got off to such a crap start, one of the last things on my mind was you. Walked out of the bio lab refreshed, and obviously it wasn't the lab that rejuiced me, it was you...even after all that you were still with me, pulling me a long, getting my spirit up to speed. Just need to be so thankful for you sticking with me, itz getting rough, my tiredness is starting to get me edgy....itz not so much i need to sleep or anthing, although that would be a much appreciated thing, but that i'm just exshasted and drained out. My strength really is gone.......i've always asked for your hand in everything....but in the end i always end up doin it my way, using my solutions, using my skills to try to climb out on top.....and it's failed miserably, keep telling myself everyday to work hard and get things done.....all i end up doin is watching the time fly by. I'm at the pointing of giving up on a lot of things.....it just doesn't seem to be picking up at the rate i'm use to....even CCF is now kinda becoming a burden, although i do admit these new relationships are really helping me through. I'm just really glad that you have put people at both end of the spectrum that care.....and it's probably a good thing that those 2 groups are separate. It's always kinda sad for me to look at my simple simple life.....and the fact that somehow i still fail.....but that's no surprise, i really can't do much without you. You have brought me here, pretty much every step, i just always end up doin what i do best and you always take care of everything else. Thank you, ust for a day that you've shown me you're around, i don't think this story really holds water to other people, but i know, cuz i felt it. So sorry i haven't told anyone about you, for all the things you've blessed me with in my life you'd figure that's the least i could do.....and i'm not exactly doin it by example either....dunno what to do.....i can't preach, much less debate....so i can't win in that category, even though i always seem to stray that way in any convesation.....bless me with listening skill.....to hear what people say, not just analyse it. Jus thanks for today....i'm still feeling kinda bad, but at least i'm feeling a bit better....amen

11:53 PM 10/8/2003

Lord, just thank you so much for this week. The 2 midterms were......not as crazy as i first thought they'd be. Well, i don't really know how i did, but at least i did them. Thanks for a great first month, it has been exceptionally smooth, from registration to now midterms. Thanks so much for the blessings. Hope things are still in one piece back home, if anything though, it would be better than before. Pray that you'll be with mom and dad on their vacation, that they'll have a relaxing time, and that it doesn't turn out to be one of those "yes i've been here" trips. Pray that you'll support the commitee in CCF, i haven't had the best attitude lately, always looking out for just me. I keep feeling that they're not looking out for me at all, that they're there just to serve their own purpose. Whether that's true or not shouldn't matter as to how i do my work as admin. I'll just try my best to get what's needed to do done. That's the way i always approach things, and i pray that you can grant me what it takes to do just that. Pray for each commitee memeber, we have a lot of work to do, and it seems like we haven't really quite gotten a handle on how to deal with this much bigger group......although the fellowship as a group really hasn't had all that meetings together yet. But the feeling is different from last year, i don't know whether itz me or itz the fellowship being bigger, or having different people. But it just doesn't feel as homey anymore. Probably because there are so many people that just don't interact with eachother. Crap.....cliques.....that's what's starting to happen, people who only interact with certain other people exclusively. Grant me strength that i can do soemthing about that.....i don't know what i can do....just lift up CCF to you. Lift up this weekend, just that i can find time to touch base with friends, and deal with assignments and midterms.....get a haircut and get flu shot and get teeth cleaning......pretty packed weekend. I hope i have time to do it all. Pray for eric.....dunno what he's up to nowadays, but i pray that he just doesn't talk about you anything, and get around to actually rep-ing that by actions. Cuz so far only thing he has that resembles you is maybe goin to church and hanging out with church friends (i can't even say christian friends), let's hope there's a side to him i haven't seen that reflects you, but so far i haven't seen that at all. Lift up pheebs, dunno what's up with her, but she needs you, ALOT, just to feel you again. Lift up my friends to you, that they can all, whether they know you or not, come to be refreshed in you. Many burdens on my heart lord, so many expectations, so many goals that i don't know if i can achieve. I just feel really tired lord......i need you strength, and i pray i can get some of it this weekend. In you name, Amen

12:37 AM 10/6/2003

Bio test has come and gone, rather simple it was......probably studied a little too much for it. Just need to rejoice before now to say that i have conquereed (at least i think i did well) a subject that sometime ago i sworn i'd never touch again. Thank you for you strength and you wisdom, and just a little bit of calm in me, eventhough towani was playing in my head the whole time. I don't really feel as ready for math though, or ready for this week for that matter, perhaps tommoro i'd just take a look at some of those questions, and refresh. I just continually need you help. Praise you for the turn out for EM, being the pessimistic me, i don't really know how many hearts were moved, but i know at least some are. And itz just great to have listening ears for your message as it came through different people. Thanks for the great CCF so far, even though i'm trying hard to keep up. It's really hard to have someone who knows everything still be on the commitee. On one hand, it is extremely helpful to have someone look over your work and make sure itz goin right. On the other hand, Jon also has his hands full with stuff too. It also makes is kinda hard to find my own groove in this position, i just end up in Jon's groove. Like that dual accounts thing, i have paid NEthing, so the totals in both accounts simply don't move.....so why have accounts? (perhaps for later, but for now, i'm just keeping track of things coming in, and receipts and such) gotta take care of other things too, pray that i'll have time this week before i leave for thanksgiving. Thanks for a great house, even though the showers aren't hot, and the place isn't clean, but itz been homey, and the distance hasn't been that much of trouble. Just thank you for you love in supporting me out here, by myself, and just allowing me to have such a loving family, and for them to be able to provide me with a chance to just concentrate on what i do best, and not worry about the bills or any other circumstance. Thanks you so much for that, that i have a shot at being everything i could be........i recgonize a lot of people don't get that. Eternally was a song i listened to a lot this week, and that's who you are, eternal in every way. I'm exactly the opposite, always temporal, in my love, in my obedience. Lord just help me to be your servant, to do your works, and to serve the communities i'm in, home or mac. Pray for my sister, and for you to continually guide her steps as she moves forward to another chapter in life, just as i have. I'm always goin to be praying for the first years, that they would find peace and grounding in you. That they would draw closer to you this year, as they need you more than ever before, as choices open up for them, pray that you can guide them to make the right ones. Lift up the midterms and labs this week lord.....it'll be busy this week........pray that you'll remind me to talk with you daily, to cast my troubles at you feet, and not be afraid to ask you for help. My marks are cuz of you, and i certainly hope i don't forget that. Amen.

11:44 PM 9/30/2003

Tried, gotta stop playing so much.....Bio is starting to fill my brain, this test could be easy or hard......i can't really tell cuz i've never taken bio.....so i leave it to you, i've worked pretty hard trying to get it all in.......as for math......i just haven't touched much of it at all, which is not good, but i have finished the assignment, so it works. Lift up EM this friday to you.....I haven't done much for me, but i know a lot of people have, so just be there friday, i kinda won't, at least not for a while due to Bio test, so i hope if Brian comes, he'll be taken care of. Eric matters less, cuz he's christian AND he knows people here. Too bad dorothy can't come, it would be nice for her to experience things here, get a better feel. Personally, i don't know which is a better nursing school........ Lift up Brian, hopefully he'll be here fri and he'll just get a chance to sense you, for you to reach into him. I pray for all the teams involved, drama, food, worship, speaker.....that they all be touched and used by you friday, as they all have a part to play. Most of all i pray for all the CCFer who will be attending, i pray that they recgonize that itz everyone's task to welcome people, that this EM isn't for them, but for non believers to get to know a little bit about you. I guess Kelvin is right, there isn't a point in bringin believers to EMs, that's just a waste of seats. The year is kinda progressing towards a checkpoint, after next tues, and when the marks roll in, i'll know whether i'm handling this year properly. Now that i remember, i really need to thank you for solving the OSAP sitution, well, not really solving in human terms, i was just uninformed, but for me it was solving the situation. So thanks so much for a little reassurance. Pray once again for Dorothy, she's capable of doing so many things, i just hope that nursing is your path for her, and that she would find the work fulfilling. Before all that though, she has to get into a good nursing school first, and i leave that up to you. I continue and continually lift up CCF, lotsa new people, and some have already start to leave, I just wished i had more time, and less timidity, to be smileing on campus, to be welcoming everywhere i go, not just fridays. And i pray for that strength lord, to overcome my own restraints and reservations. I share a lot in common with a lot of the first years, both in science and engineering, and i pray that it can serve as a common ground for me to bond with them. Pray for MCG, still dunno what to do, i should start looking, but i pray that you would enlighten me and Jon as the how you want this path to go. I lift up the Bio tests, the EM, and just leave everything i care for in your hands. Amen

12:46 AM 9/28/2003

Sigh, reading back on the stuff i prayed for the last time i wrote in this thing.......things have turned quite a bit, summer is now over, and i'm already a whole month into schoool.... blesings all the way though pretty much, and i don't think i can thank you enough. House is pretty set, everyone is getting along, and i can actually cook a little bit. School is set, i thought i'd be working till death by now, but the pace has been good to me, and i'm roughly keeping up. CCF is goin too, i don't know how i got into leading men's cell, but i have a feeling if anything my kinda leadership works best there. All those things i just really need to be thankful for. Living day by day is the phrase, and it's like that this year even more than the last. I don't know how, but a month has already gone by.........I've decided to goto Little bethel this year, can't say exactly why, but the welcomeness is almost appaling, steming from the fact that MCAC certainly isn't like that, and the chinese culture in general isn't like that. And i think i'm finally getting fed by a speaker too. CCF is goin well, i'd say frosh week was pretty much a resounding success, and fellowship has gotten big now, like real big. Although the number of regular attenders has grown by all that much, probably need another month or so before i can figure out the numbers. Being admin is kinda hard when you're kinda outta touch with the rest of the commitee, itz hard to make decisions about various things like mailing lists and such, Sylvia still hasn't asked me about the email list, but i'll have to ask her soon about what to do about that........all in all, a slow but good start to another lightening year......just wanna lift up OSAP right now, dunno where that money is, but it sure isn't at the bank, which has me rather worried......also wanna lift up the froshies, balance is key, and i think just stepping out and spending time with you is probably more benitficial to marks then staying at room and cramming away. Strength is from you, so is wisdom, and more or less knowledge too..........i'm just so grateful that i'm still goin, brain still working, still keeping up, cuz i' imagined it to be much hard than this (which it might very well be, just gotta wait till mid terms over to find that one out). Lift up our house, opinions vary vastly, just hope we can band together and make this place livable for everyone of us, and in the process, really become brothers and sisters in christ. I also pray for MCG, you know what i want to do with it, problem is, i have no idea how. Me and Jon aren't the most gelled people around, so i pray that you grant us a common direction and goal, so that those who join us will be better for it. I'm goin to sleep now, eventhough there is so much more to say, but i'm goin to try my hardest to talk to you more often like this, so that i can be reminded of your blessings.

12:10 AM 7/13/2003

Just so glad, please don't let this one by..........just so so thankful that we have our fifth housemate, i knew it was either goin to be this or it was goin to be $1100 as punishment for our hastiness, now things are somewhat more normal.....thanks so much......i know itz kinda sad that i can only praise you now in times of happiness, that i've slack in praying these last couple days, even weeks......work has slowed down again, but i think i'm goin to enjoy the new pace that you have blessed me with. You've reminded me that this job is about experience, not money; and that i've got other things to do with my time this summer (wish i could volunteer, but bio along w/ the time for the tests and the training time and setup time i'm not goin to be able to put in much hours, so no point starting). Bio looks like fun, and now i have a couple days a weeek to dedicate to it, so i thank you for once again making this perfect in front of my eyes. Weather has been nice lately, the heat last week was bad, but this week has kinda been just right, even the rainy days. I really need to pray now for strength and guidance, and wisdom in dealing with David. It is really hard to get anything through to him, and i think i need to get off my high horse and just let him be........i can't really change him, but i can change myself........hopefully business will pick up again so i can at least get 3 full working days, then in my mind it'd be perfect. But your plan is probably better so i'll stick to whatever comes. Just so thankful for the housemate, that itz also someone we can kinda look after, and share our last year experiences with. I'm definitely looking forward to investing myself in getting to know felix and kevin and anton better, although somehow in my gut i think felix will really be the only one receptive to me. Just pray that i'm not that one that's one their case, and that they won't be abusing their freedom (so that i don't have to be on their case). Church fellowship is continuing to bloom, people are getting closer, at least from a surface standpoint, and i don't really expect that much more. I think camp would really be a good closing experience, as we pull all our loose personalities together, and say our farewells to another summer. I pray that as you're always w/ us in our gatherings, that you especially touch us during camp, as we look to you to show up. Really pray for brian, he'll be there, and for the first time it isn't about fun and games (eventhough that's a large part of camp). He 's now in a crowd that i think can come to him at the intellectual level that he's very capable of, and i think he is probably better reached at that level, versus Xara style stuff. Just pray that however you lead me in terms of him, that i can respond and be used by you. Really need to life up CCF to you, especially frosh connections, dunno who can represent there, but hopefully 2 can show up. I'm a little torn at this point, cuz both are important, and Jeff's already shown that he can drop fellowship and go. I don't know what i need to do, i want to be at camp, but at the same time Mac CCF needs people at frosh connections......make something happen lord, need your help.....Lift up Phoebe to you, dunno what she's thinking, but at least she is thinking...i'm not really one she can confide in, and i don't know what i cna say either......perhaps i need to say less, cuz in the end i'm not the one with answers. You just need to touch her, she doesn't need death or cancer or whatever to scare her faith back into her, she just needs to you touch her and say "here i am", that's all she needs lord, for her to know you're there, then i think all of it will have meaning again, just really lift her up for your healing......thanks once again for the tremendous rock you have taken off my shoulders, now if only i can register i'd be set......thanks.......

10:50 PM 6/28/2003

Itz been at least a couple of weeks since i wrote to you, and during that time, you have blessed me with just so many things. Ups and downs always come, but yet overall my life has been blessed. I have a job, i had before asked for one to fall into my lap, and this is about as close as it gets. I complain that it pays so badly, yet i enjoy the atomsphere, the looseness of it all. Getting to play around with pieces, getting to learn to work with customers and coworkers alike, i'm getting as much experience outta this as i thought would barely be possible. For many things i really need to praise you, my life, my family, my friends, my work. It has really come a long way. I can't hide the burden that weights on me at this time, i can't imagine what i would do if i was blocked from biomed. At this moment i have growing faith in my own logical reasoning of how this problem is goin to turn out, but i do realize that with you anything is possible, and i really have to rely on you to pull me through this.......please, i really want to study this, to make this my life, it has gotten to the point where nothing else will do......so i pray lord, resolve this soon, this obstacle in the way of a totally blessed summer........but perhaps this is another thing you wanted me to learn, to not always take things at face value, to look at things in detail, and not get caught up in the celebrations after getting what you want........i pray for mercy, for i know many of your lessons are harsh. So many things i needed to thank you for, not just myself, but for my friends, new and old. For Gary, you have granted your servant his passion in sports back. For Kelvin, who, just like me, wanted to work, and you have rewarded him for his volunteering also. For Sonia, eventhough she might not like it much, a needed rest, kinda regaining her breath, before pushing onto another year. I pray she will take this time to draw even closer to you, to leave paradoxes behind, and just hang onto you. For Ginny, she has come a long ways, must have taken a lot of tears to leave Vince, must have been a feeling that i do not yet know, or desire to know. Yet i thank you for her faith, and thank you for your guidance in her life, her revival. I pray that you will continue what you have done in her to jon jesse and samantha, to light a new fire in them, and have them thirst for you. So thankfull for this fellowship, to kinda see what my task sort of will be for the next year, to been meet the expectations for me next year through the experience in this summer, itz been incredible to get to know the people that i've seen so much though these years, and yet never really got to know. I can't say they're my best friends, but for sure this is one more step towards that. jenny, kelvin, alice, oli, jeff, really thankful for them, for my work with them, and their friendship in my life. Somehow, i think ginny is right, my mind is slowly changing, to where i don't know, but i do know that i talk to you a bit more, i don't want to write anything else cause it seems like i'm boasting. Thankful for eric, not just because he drives me around, but because i under-appreciate this brother way too much. He's always roaring to go, no matter what happened, and i just pray that i can do the same, and when he needs me, i won't be just the wise dude spewing out idioms, but really be a source of strength and comfort, i pray that i can be that for all that i call friend. Right now i want to life shaun up to you, his life is ahead of him, and he needs you guidance, your opening up of doors for him, and i pray that he won't be down because of his circumstances, that he will always have his strength in you. Ease the burden on my heart lord.

1:43 AM 6/9/2003

sigh, i guess i haven't written much in here the last couple weeks cuz i've kind agiven up hope......job hunting is a pretty darn discouraging thing to do......i haven't even gotten the chance to get door shut on me, they were never open in the first place. Uni fellowship is really something to praise you and to worship you about, not that we ever needed a reason....that's true.....people need to learn to praise you for their routineness in life.....NEways, fellowship blooming, things are getting set up, attendance is getting regular, and people are getting to know eachother by more than name and reputation. I'd like to think making ME feel at home is a hard thing, but i do feel more at home there than a lot of places. Just continue to pray for sam, jon, rich, jesse, and ray.........all of them need you, badly to just invade into their lives, and change them at the core........dunno what i can do NEmore, just don't have the words to say, give them to me, the see the pointlessness, the uselessness of things things they strive for, the lack of passion and will to be with you, itz really disheartening, to see them move through the motions.....for what? i still don't get it, but i suppose a gesture is a gesture and they'll keep coming, although i don't know how much they get......i thank you for jesse, he's coming to fellowship, and i'll do my best to continue to encourage him to come. Leading studies is an interesting thing, i'm always trying to look for clever things, smart things to bring out.....but i pray that you can make me take notice of the little things, the things in our lives that we take for granted, the miracle of your walking with us, of us being able to talk to you personally.......changes in me, dunno what she could mean, i'm more joyous nowadays, but still i feel rather similiar in mindset...... "how could you expect me to explain God to you, if i can't even expect you to explain calculus to me?" interesting thought, people always think why can't christian prove God exists......well.....i'd like to think you're a little more complicated than math......and i'm having a hard enough time figuring that out......Really dunno what to do about church singspiration, i don't particularly like it, but i don't really have any solutions that i can personally accomplish....just have to pray for that.....for soemthing to stir up in these people. NEways, sleeping, get me a job tommoro.....please.....

1:44 AM 5/20/2003

itz been like 12 days, pretty boring 12 days.......cept more of uni fellowship, and it definitely is getting better. People are opening up, which is really good, i just hope i can do the same (and so far i've failed pretty badly so you have to help me). I want to pray for roady and prunella (i can't spell). It's bad enough for them to move away from home, but itz not like they move out for school, at school you can just walk outside and meet w/ people yr age that you can get to know, can't if you away from home for work. So i just pray that they will come to this fellowship, feel welcomed, make friends, and eventually have these friendships extend into the week. I hope that somehow i can play a part in doing that (don't really know how, but if you show me, i'll be there) I don't know HOW i got myself into being devo coord. I was just willing, and off i went. I thought about it for like a second, and i knew i didn't know nearly enough. I pray for this friday, that i can share w/ them something that has been shared w/ me, that has touched me, and made me understand more about what you intend for us. And i really hope that you grant me the wisdom and the clarity to have them understand it too. I really thank you for Jesse, that he isn't being all skeptical and stupid about fellowship, that he was willing to come, as long as we were there w/ him. And i'll definitly be there, it'll be nice to know an old friend again. I pray that i can do my best to just bring them to this fellowship, Jesse, Jon, Samantha, that they can be blessed, by being closer to you. I pray for Jon, that somehow his scheduling conflicts can be solved, that you would arrange time for him to come. Read big albert's email about mona, i really long to see w/ my own eyes that kind of transformation, and to be involved in giving life back to someone. I have failed you so many times in stuff like that, that i just really pray for opportunities that i will take, to lead people to you. Still don't know what i'm doin for the summer, will need something soon, money depleting, so just help me. On another note, GO is really know fun, i'm still not very good, and miss lotsa things, but someone i have an urge to learn and play. And once again i'm reminded that i'm disappointed and discouraged rather easily, guess i just haven't failed enough to get used to it, but i just pray that you work on that part of my life, that i can press on eventhough things aren't goin nicely. I lift this next week up to you, may it be productive, and glorifying to your name.

7:55 PM 5/8/03

Got the pics from Shaun today, he sure sent a lot....... brings back really fond memories, or just sharing our brains and our lives w/ eachother, sure am goin to miss that..... and i'm like really non photogenic, maybe i'm just being harsh on myself i guess. Itz almost depressing being home doin nothing nowadays, just sitting there, kinda like loitering, only in yr own home...... which really makes no sense. I just really wanna pray for this SARS thing, goin to drop off resumes at the hospitals really gives you a sense that this is really serious and people are really fearing....... i just don't know what your will is in all this, but after some thought i begin to realize that your return is coming, and these are just some signs of the the chaos to come. I'd just like to pray for a cure/vaccine of some sort, but that's just my own human planning and pleading, but may your will be done. My job hunting has kinda stopped, letting the agency do itz thing, and hoping for a call soon..... i'm starting to feel my brain slowly rot away...... so i guess i'm goin to start tutoring people..... cuz i think i can, and it'd keep my brain rolling at least..... Just need to shout praise to you for these marks that have rolled it, just amazing how you can turn something that i thought was so horrible into a decent mark, just thank you so much, cuz this is better than i could have ever imagined..... which leads me to think, what would i do if it didn't turn out this good, but quite the opposite..... i'd like to think i'd still stay strong in you, still praise your name, still love you...... but i know that i'm not nearly strong enough to do that, i'd curse you, doubt you, maybe even turn away, so i just pray now that you grant me strength to always be with you, through everything, not just the bright days, but the darker ones, cuz if anything, i'll need you even more then. I guess w/ those last marks, it really wraps up this magical year. I'm just thankful that tears haven't been shed over it, as i'm sure some are for some people, and thankful that my life, in you and in everything, has been renewed........ thankful that for the first time i really saw you working down here, working in people, through people........ so much that i'm now begging for you to do the same thing in me, that i would be blessing to others, not because i'm good or i'm talented, but because i have you...... just thank you so much, somehow i feel i'll never be thankful or praiseful enough to express how much you meant to me this year. I'm still a little dazed about how this is over, and i won't have it back (unless i fail.....) I'd just like to once again lift my summer up to your hands, use it as you will, guide me and lead me to something worthy of your name. For me my plan is to find a job, but may yr will be done.]

11:57 PM 5/2/03

first MCAC fellowship today, was good, in itz own way...... didn't feel quite the same energy and vitality as HCCF, felt more restrainted... but i guess that's just the way we are here. I'm really looking forward to this fellowship growing deeper though, I can really feel the leaders hearts really in it, although they might not be approaching this in a way i would, but i can really feel that dedication, that internal passion. I just hope that in this 4 months here i can somehow contribute a bit to this growing ministry. Sylvia is really correct, we kinda are really lacking in worship, and i feel this is more than just missing talent..... MCAC really doesn't have a heart of worship, i think the uni students are definitly better than the adults, but i just don't feel much energy.... but perhaps i'm just more used to more hyped up worship, i don't know how much i can help in that area, but i kinda feel that itz the only place i can help. Talking to sonia about friends, and yeah, i am really concerned, not about my new friends, but the old ones, seems almost like not friends now. Still keep up the looks of friendship, but there's just nothing deep there...... uni hasn't been helpful to them at all, i was revived, refreshed, and they have just fallen further and further away..... not that they're pulling 180s on me, just slowly, bit by bit, turning away from you, making you a smaller and smaller part of their lives. So i really pray for them, touch them lord, with you hand, to bring them back to you.... use me as you would to achieve this, because i don't want to see them go. They need refreshing, renewing, getting to really know you, and not about you, cuz they know all about you already, but that's not what it's about...... Really glad that sis has really grown in her ministry, and really starting to think, not just do, and really getting to know your will, your plan for what she does...... really just growing, getting to know you heartedly, and that's really cool, and i just want to say thanks. Still need a job though, so i'm just goin to lift that up to you, and hope you provide.

11:32 PM 4/29/03

ah, been a while since i wrote........been back home for a while now, just sitting around, resting up, having fun, waiting for marks........don't know if i want to see some of those. I'd just want to thank you again for this year, and for the successful end of exams, how successful i was IN the exams is another story. Just thanks for everything, a wrap to a good year......now onto a job.......GIVE ME ONE PLEASE, gosh, i'd really hope to work, on something, NEthing, cuz heck itz boring doin nothing for 4 months......i wonder how calc will go, CURVE CURVE CURVE......just looking forward to next year, in various ways......school, eventhough i think it'd be like crazy hard, is beginning to sound like fun......challenging me to new levels, and i kinda welcome that i think, i'm not a person whos like to do easy things OVER and over again, although i do have to admit i'm very scared of failure, cuz i don't think i experience that enough times to get used to it.... i'd imagine it wouldn't be hard to kick me into despair..... Jessie is kinda rite, i get worried real easy, and i'm very prone to overanalysing, and overthinking situations....... too much extrapolating..... and i definitly can't read people as much as i think i can. The MCAC uni fellowship, definitely worth goin to see how this will go, have to admit i'm a little skeptical as to how open these people will be to eachother, and i think that's probably the most important thing, to drop the masks of any sort, and just share our lives w/ eachother. I'm however, looking forward to contributing, to practice being kind, friendly, and open...... itz like CCF first day over again, only now w/ more intimidating people... but we'll see. I just want to pray for the commitee at this fellowship, just to pray that they can lead us, in this somewhat unusual circumstance, to really reel in some of the more lost uni students at this church..... and for myself, that i'd do my best to improve it, even though i'm not in a leadership position. Thanks Lord.....for everything this year, you've been great.

4:09 PM 4/20/03

ah, the meaning of charimatisim.....went to Hamilton Christian Fellowship, was actually a church, charismatic one at that...... sonia thought i'd freak, but i didn't really feel all that much..... sure, they were REALLY different, and if NEone like them was found at our church, oh man, all hell would break loose..... but i don't nessarily find NEthing wrong w/ them, they are very passionate about worship, or just very passionate in general.... they don't take the simpler truths of Jesus lightly at all, which is something really different.... and the people, wow, perhaps itz just because itz a really small church, but it seems they're like in a hurry to greet you, and actually have a CONVERSATION w/ you. Dunno lord, just seems kinda weird to me, that's all, but i really admire their enthusiasm, their energy, and just their fire. Don't think i'll ever go back though, a little too different for me. I have a feeling next year i'll be at Little bethel, something "hotter", but not way out there so to speak. Year is REALLY rolling to an end, i'm really goin to leave soon, kinda looking forward to it, and kinda not..... i will be rid of this horrible school work, but then again i hope i have something to do for the summer, cuz itz goin to be pretty darn boring otherwise, but i'll let you handle that part..... back to the freaking part...... i guess people just assume i'm super traditional, which in most ways i am, i mean, i was an HONG KONG suburb kid (if there was such a thing, i was it), so i'm not exactly what i'd called experienced in many things.... I just don't get dazed by much, nothing really surprises me.... no wait, actually a lot of things startle me, just not the important big things..... all the stupid things like people's haircuts and the smell of food and such surprise me, but if one of my friends came up to me and said she was pregnant, i don't really think i'd be all that surprised, or worked up, or upset or what not.... i just kinda expect everything and anything to happen..... NEways, goin to chill a bit before heading back to physics..... help me on calc, PLEASE......

11:28 PM 4/16/03

Haha, this one is about me. Looking at some online journals today, why do people want people to read this stuff (although the attention is kinda attractive). Dunno, Bonnie is really freaking, and i dunno why, she has an acceptance already, and i'm pretty sure w/ 80s she should get more.....seriously, these kids are freakin out a little much, if you aren't borderline, you're goin to make it in somewhere, just makes no sense to fret......perhaps no waterloo or UT, but there are plenty of places better than them.....just the crowd mentality i guess...."lotsa people go there so it MUST be good".....stupid crap (i sound a little bitter, but i can't be, cuz i got into the loo, Mac by choice BABY) Just wished i could be there to tell her itz ok, she tends to overexagerate things. Looking over her journal, i KNOW she won't be able to handle herself at res....unless she gets the roommate directly hand picked by you.....and i fear for that roomie......(what am i saying, if she comes to mac, i'd be her roomie) Haha, i just got an online journal, i guess i'm just goin to send the addy to friends, that i think i've written a little about.....(must remind bons not to tell everyone). 2 exams down, 3 to go. 1 easy, 1 hard, 1 insane, just help me, cuz you know i'll need help for calc. I'm goin to try my best, just kinda had to chill out today, 9am exams are just not cool. As for the summer, really kinda need a job, not so much for the money, but for something to do......i guess for that i can always volunteer.....Looking forward to moving out, to really think back on it, i'm getting really tired of res, just getting outta this hole they call a room, goin back home w/ family and friends, looking forward to that for sure.....I'm hangin on for dear life, just thank you so much for grabbing hold of me, a couple more to go.....

11:11 PM 4/16/03

Hmm, really thinking about Deeper for next year is hard......this year was fun, but i don't think it was as effective as it could be. Kel and sonia are thinking about book studies, i don't particular like that one, perhaps cuz i don't read. I dunno, i just want an open places for people to come and discuss things, but perhaps goin w/ a book brings out more than just discussion alone. I just don't want the book factor keeping people from coming, and looking at erin's IV group, i seriously dunno how many froshes are in it. We'll need to get a box of books for sure, cuz for us to tell froshes to get a boo, well that's a little pushin it (for me NEways). Dunno, just bless what we're doin, cuz i remember the last time i tried doin something like this.....it sucked. I tried to get people to bond (cuz having you in the picture wasn't even an option at that point, or so i thought), and i still sucked at that. I'd just like to imagine what would happen if i actually did bible studies.....would not have been pretty.....just did not have the equipping. This year has been changing, but i'm still not sure if i'm THAT different in terms of leadership from back then. Just help me Lord, cuz you know i need it, to have the words to say, to have the questions to ask, to probe for answers, to be friendly, and open.......As to how this group is goin to work, i really pray that you guide us on that part. I'm thinking more open stuff for first sem, get to know people, get a regular group coming, then switch to a book study for second sem, would make sense. I wonder if it'll be froshes again too, cuz i don't think first sem would attract (contemplated if that word was rite, but there's an element of choice in this) that many upper years. Really will have to see how many are in CCF next year, but if you have a way for us, show us....

10:24 PM 4/15/03

sigh, tight accepella, listening to it now, i just feel we'll never quite get there, perhaps itz just the studio and the computers. But then again, none of our voices is like particularly talented, and together we can sound good occasionally, but never spectacular. All of this has really brought me back to a question that has bugged me for a long time, is singin the important part? if it isn't, then what is? How much is trying TOO much? Kelvin really knocked it over the head, it isn't us doin the convicting, it isn't us doin the moving, it's you. We're just here to say the words, to spread them, it's your job to work those words within them. That gets me thinking, what are christian artists for then? to make good music, to spread the word, or both? I have a feeling itz a VERY fine line between spreading the word, and showing off. I just want to sound good, have people listen to us, and perhaps be moved by what we do.....but i guess that's kinda a wrong idea i've had all this time. If we believe in the words, really seek after your heart as we go about this ministry (and it really should be a ministry), then i truly believe you'll make us shine. That obviously doesn't mean that we'll do nothing and just pop up there and beltch out stuff, but the focus i think shouldn't be to sound good to people, but to sound good to you. Have a good message, fit into the theme, keep it plain and simple. I think we really need to get back to that......none of that showy choreo crap i've been imagining, just something that strikes OUR hearts, and if it strikes our hearts, i think it would touch theirs too. That's why i really wanna try to work on a few worship songs, kinda taking them outta that style, and fitting it to ours. People shouldn't be moved by our harmony, but rather by the words and our emotion. I always thought that we needed to sound good so people will listen to us, but i think you've shown me this year that it isn't like that, people will listen if you mean it, whether it sounds angelic or horrible (although i have to admit i don't wanna sound horrible, but that's simply a pride thing). With that all said, i think this year i definitely want to focus more than the sound, more towards the lyrics, and the feeling, perhaps towards simpler songs (THAT will certainly be a change of direction, all this time we've been working towards tighter harmonies). Still dunno what will happen after this summer, I'd imagine that largely depends on what happens this summer, and towards what the guys think of what was said above (i'd imagine they'd agree, but whether that will reflect in the mentality/actions is hard to tell, cuz it took me a while to get my head around those). I just pray that you'll give us the heart to make this your work, that we won't be relying on you just to make us sound good, that we'll be relying on you to work through us, not just in us.

8:08 PM 4/12/03

So it has been decided, i am the CCF treasurer/secretary (no no, administrator, just to spite jon =) for next year. Somehow i kinda knew this was where it was goin, i have so much more doubts about being vice chair......it was only after talking to Gary that i really gave that position any thought, and i think i would be 50% of one at this point, but the other 50% is definitely more fitting for Jon, so i'm glad it kinda worked out that way. Everything just kinda fell in place too, which i give you thanks for...... Albert was rite though, we're a rather submissive bunch....... not much conflictive comments in the meeting.... just a lot of "that's cool", "works for me"..... but i guess you can't really say much else when i does work out. Gotta increase the typing speed for next year too, although i'm kinda amazed i'm pretty darn quick now, not even looking too, probably too much ICQ =) I just really pray for us, i think itz goin to be a lot of fun sharing this experience with the bunch next year, and i really lift us and the fellowship up to you, for you to work in us and through us. Need to work on the willingness to communicate too, you know how much i suck at that. I was really surprised that greg would be willing to do worship coordinator....but that's REALLY cool, that he would be willing to step up like that. I'm really glad that the commitee are all full of people i can talk to, people i'm not intimidated by..... the commitee this year was great, they were really friendly, but in terms of intellect and spirituality..... Gary said that it's just us being humble, but for me, this year has been a HUGE learning experience, off campus more than on, that i can't compare where i'm at in my walk with where they're at. There isn't one moment here that i've regreted coming to MAC, everything has just been so great, i can't thank you enough.... and next year, my wish is that the froshes won't regret it one bit either, that's my other passion i guess, so i pray that you will equip me for that goal, as i'm not the easiest person to get to know, and not the easiest to approach, not the most open, and definitely not the most friendly, so i'll really need to work on those. I'm also kinda concerned about the house, not so much the me/Jo thing, but just to find the 5th. I really wish bonnie and felix to come, and share what i have shared. And i think, knowing bons, it would be harder for her to live w/ us cuz itz far, but i really want to keep an eye on her, she seems like the type to really flip inside out in uni. I want her to grow, but in a good way, keep her in nicer crowds, cuz i don't know how well she picks friends. I'm not as worried about felix, i can rely on him to hold his own, and guide himself correctly. Guide me and hold me, cuz i have a feeling, in the next 4 exams, i might be falling.

4:06 PM 4/8/03

How much you put into fellowship is how much you get out of it......i've been doin a little thinking, is that really true? Certainly there's a lot to be had just being at fellowship, otherwise i wouldn't have been there all these years. But how much of what you get from fellowship by just sitting there is worth while? THe socializing, the fun, the chats, the relationships that you build, a lot of that is important to me, but how important should they really be compared to what i can get from really being involved, really taking ownership of a fellowship? and should we really have a mentality at all that we need to get something from fellowship in order for us to attend?.....i dunno, just full of questions today......questions with no answers, as of yet, worthwhile to think about them though. To me, fellowshipping is just something christians do, just like if you're not called to any particular church you don't stop goin to church all together, you just pick one and go. And when God decides to move you else where, that's his choice. So to me it is really odd that josh expressed that kind of opinion, to not goto fellowship at all because he wasn't called to one. But i'm glad he decide to come to CCF (or so he says, for now) for a year, i just hope and pray that he isn't just coming to full fill the requirement to be able to lead a small group......but i'll let you be the judge of that. School is over, and along w/ is, so is first year. quick quick quick......blue skys of september is now back, only now it's april.....at this rate if i blink i'd graduate. Goin to miss shaun, all of the seniors here, the amazing thing about them, is that they ALWAYS see you eye to eye, no ifs or buts. I kinda wished i had a shot at tasting Jill's cooking, since people talk about it so much. Kinda weird that i still remember Chang, eventhough the only times i saw her was at the VERY beginning of the year, and the VERY end. Next year is goin to be interesting, dunno if Joanna will ever talk to me again......but i guess i was kinda a jerk a lot of times, so she kinda has a right to.....gotta work on that (even if josh was just making that up, i think that part of my personality has always needed work on). Pray for everyone, exams aren't fun, so i pray that everyone is given a fair chance to show their best.....I'm goin to be clingin to you for life so don't let me fall plz

12:36 AM 4/7/03

theme for next year.....a bright reflection.....just shining for all who cares to see, reflecting God, not just talking about him, on campus, in the community.....planning to have deeper stay next year somehow, sonia is interested in coleading, kinda a CC/CCF thingie, would be cool.....yeah, kinda starting on the vision, thinking of groups, i figured if my visions involved small groups, it would be kinda silly for me not to lead one. Deeper i think has made me think a lot, and it would really be sad to see it go, so i'm goin to try not to let it. Gotta start studying soon, feel so lazy, need to wind back up tight again. Just hope you'll provide what it takes, cuz the last ones are kinda killer. Now i REALLY dunno what position i'll do best in.......Jon was good as treasurer, but he has a closer relationship with Sylvia and can probably better help her as vice chair........dunno dunno dunno. This first committee meeting is goin to be interesting indeed. Filled out the eng selection form, if all goes well, i'm goin to be an electrical and biomedical engineer starting next year, got the same butterflies now as i had in sep, can't wait to go, but also real scared of what could be coming. I just pray you guide Wilson, i know he's trying to do what he think's best, but i just don't think he can use all of his incredible potential commuting, just show him a way. Pray for my sis, needs direction, something she's passionate about that she can study. I NEED A JOB!!!! Just really sincerely pray for the committee next year, i see a lot of enthusiasim, a lot of potential for great things to be done by you through us. I dunno, i felt that the "4 people in 1 house" question was really silly. That should actually make the committee better, having that extra closeness, extra understanding. ....should be better than if everyone if in diff house NEhow.....although i can kinda understand the fact that if they all in same program then they get busy all at the same time, that's where we all have to support eachother i guess, and i pray i can really contribute.

10:50 PM 4/5/03

That was about CCF, this is just about my year in general. It's been crazy, gone SO fast, i steped on campus like yesterday =) Been an incredible year, an awesome renewal. Met some great people, some not so great people, learned a lot, learned there's lot's more to learn. (still don't understand why people think i know physics). I guess it was just typical me that i'm comfortable away from home, although i really did miss my family at times. Eng was fun, i never thought i'd say that, but it has been. To do what i'm good at, to make my future in it, and to have God just guide me every step of the way, it's awesome. I just hope the next 3-4 years doesn't go by as quickly, otherwise i'd be gone soon. But like Gloria said, about 5 years is enough. Electrical and biomed eng, i must be nuts......never thought i'd ever touch bio again, but here i am, taking healthsci......be a doctor eh, still think no way......Sis has grown a bit too, still rather directionless, but i'm hoping you'd change that. I'm just thankful, for u getting me here, to find this family, to be a part of it......this program might kill me, but i'm pretty sure i'm more interested in this than comp eng. Food was really a challenge, so salty, and after a while, so nasty. Roomie is ok, just drunk friends pissed me off. But fun year overall i think, dunno if i'll do it again though, kinda tough.....not goin to get NE easier

10:30 PM 4/5/03

Hmm, first writing.....had to think about my vision for CCF this week, i don't really know all that clear at first, just thankful Gary was able to help me with it. Now i'm on the commitee for next year, feels weird, cause i think i might have been here before, and it didn't work out so well last time. It was really weird how Gary kinda brought out my liking for small groups, they really had changed me this year, and supported me when i think i was goin nuts. Men's cell was always fun, whether we were just talking or studying the word. All of us had good things to say, and it was a lot of fun getting to know the guys. Deeper, kinda missed out on the first half, but Shaun and Gloria really lets things loose, and a sunday school answer is never really allowed. Allowed me to really probe my own mind, to what i believe in, and revealed to me a lot of things that i need to explore further. I dunno, one hand, i'm keen on seeing small groups grow, but don't know how......on the other hand, i'm bad at communication so treasurer is kinda tough for me......so where am i goin? This vision, as sylvia pointed out, is something i'm not very good at, to see ahead, to understand what i want.....just help me, i'm in this 100% now, and i can't give NEthing less.

The Old Me

Wow, found this text file with my old jounal in it, figured I'd post all the entries here. Reading it, and looking back....man I was different....lol.

Sticking to it

Men's retreat was pretty crazy, learn a whole lot about being a real man, relationships and such. But I guess the biggest thing for me was the Friday night, where we really invited the Holy spirit to really work in our midst. As I was confessing my sins the biggest one that hit me REALLY REALLY hard was my negativity and lack of faith. This really reminded me of Abraham's story in Genesis 22:1-18, so I guess that's what I'm sharing today.

To be honest, if I were in Abraham's shoes, I'd just brush off that calling of sacrifice as nothing, because in my mind, there's NO WAY AT ALL that sacrificing Issac would do ANYTHING to fulfill God's promise to Abraham, or to help the kingdom of God in any way. I always think like that, that I try to make sense of the situation in my own head, and instead of looking to God for the next step, I look to my own logic. And of course, a lot of times things don't make sense, and that's why I get so negative cause other people are pushing a certain direction, and I'm always like, well, that's probably not going to work......I actually used to think that I knew what was going to happen next, I never had the faith that God could do anything else with the situation.

But you know what, going through that night at men's retreat, re-reading this story, the one thing I know now is that it isn't my job to make sense. That you stick with what God has called you to do regardless of how outrageous or ridiculous you think it is.

That's why I'm really encouraged by the people who come from Mississauga, who continue to invest here, you guys are doing exactly that. I know that Hamilton might not be the most fruitful or rewarding campus, and I suppose it is somewhat natural that some will really rather be else where after a while here. That kind of thinking I've always been guilty of. And I guess that's the continual challenge to us, that if you are called to be here, stick with it; even though it might not be very comfortable being here, even though you might not see much fruit, even though you might be discouraged, even if you think you're not making a difference at all. Let's stick to what God has called us to do.

Let's pray for hearts that are truly passionate for Hamilton, that on any given sat we wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Let's pray for continual faith, patience, and most of all, perseverance for our ministries here. I know God's going to faithfully stick to this, are we going to do the same?

You dare call HIM too late?

I guess this week has been quite a week for me, started off with a lot of grief, but ended with joy and peace. The passage that really hit me in my QTs this week, the one that I'm going to share with you, is the story of Lazarus, as recorded in the book of John 11:21-27.

"Lord," Martha said to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."

In a lot of ways I pretty much went through what Martha went though. I had struggled with one particular situation for months, I had spent much time praying about it, much effort in trying to fix it, and when the situation finally came to an end this week I was angry at God. I was telling him "If you had done this this and this like I ask you to, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now".

In hindsight I realized that God was staring at me smack dab in the face, telling me that things will be fine, and the only thing that me or Martha could come up with was "you're too late". Jesus told her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha replied, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." She still didn't clue in to what Jesus could do. In the same way I also thought He was too late, I thought there was nothing He could do about the situation now, but by His grace what was once a grief was not nearly as grievous as we all thought.

What God really taught me this week, is to not underestimate Him. To never put anything past his abilities, past his sovereignty, past his power. His plan is pleasing and perfect, period. He's never too late, or too early, or too little, or too much.

And that's the encouragement I wanted to share with you guys today. It's an encouragement that Adrienne brought to the worship team last week, and it's one that God really showed me this week. Hamilton campus in the summer is not exactly the liveliest place, it's usually just a handful of people, mostly the team that's already sitting here. It's very easy to feel that's this is just how it is.

But right now, there are enough people on the campus this very instant to fill this room to over-flowing. Let us not put it past God to do just that. On the other hand, if one passer-by hears one line in a song, one sentence from the sermon, and that becomes a link in their chain to salvation, that alone would make these next 6 hours worth while. Let us not put it past God to do that.

As we pray for this afternoon's service right now, may we be reminded, as God so powerfully showed me this week, that God is ready, willing, and able to make miracles a reality in our lives. Are we ready? Are we willing? Do we believe?